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| Don't drop the soap |
I mean come on guys. Don't lie to me, or yourself, or your girlfriend who you are foolishly reading this with, and pretend like you wouldn't take her down. Or to Poundtown, Willie's favorite vacation spot. I hear it's quite nice this time of year.
Here comes the bad news. And to guys everywhere who don't know what's about to hit them I wholeheartedly apologize. It hurts me too.
This is Kendall Jenner, stepsister of the one and only Kim Kardashian and daughter of Olympic legend turned worldwide ass clown Bruce Jenner.
Her birthday is November 3rd... 1995. She turns 16 on Thursday.
We're all going to prison.
Thank goodness that whole Minority Report pre-crime shit isn't real because if you could be prosecuted for all the things you guys thought about doing to this girl every guy reading this would get the chair.
Ladies get off your respective high horses and quit scoffing "ugh men are pigs. This girl can't even drive yet that's just opprobrious".
1. Stop using such big words.
2. Shut up.
What the hell do you expect? How is it in any way shape or form fair to have this picture go out to the public without any prior knowledge of who this girl is or how old she is and not expect guys to be attracted to her. She isn't gracing the cover of Nickelodean the magazine, but is instead plastered all over the internet and shows up half dressed in publications I've never even heard of like Lovecat and OK, clearly an overt attempt to cultivate a wholesome image for herself.
It's a different story if she looked like a child, and the game changes once you find out that she's 15 and you have to hide your boner while running from the police and Chris Hansen who pinged your IP address because you kept Google Image searching her. No guy out there with any sense of decency is actually into girls who just got their learner's permits. I mean the ideal first date is not to the DMV. But let's cut the crap cake that girl looks nowhere near 15. And I'm sure in preparation for that photo shoot her and Kimmy K didn't roll into Stripper's Discount Warehouse looking for an outfit that showed off her personality. What are the odds that's a real place?
Girls in the 10th grade should be doing geometry, and should have braces and no boobs. They should be awkward and gangly and wear homecoming dresses that would make Amish housewives look like pornstars. Why is it socially acceptable for a 15 year girl to so obviously draw attention to her sexuality but absolutely and unequivocally unacceptable when guys afford her exactly what she was striving for in the first place? If you don't want to be grossed out by creepy old men hitting on you don't strut your shit all over the place. Or at least wait until you're legal. You don't see Dakota Fanning D hunting all over Hollywood trying to trick people onto the sexual predator registry.
Oh girls. You thought you were off the hook.
There's also a ridiculous double standard running rampart in modern society with regards to this same issue. How is it that we're labeled as gross sexual predators when we voice the obvious but you ladies can get wet over Bieber and nobody bats an eye? Women, ladies, girls, whatever, of all ages are allowed to profess their love for the 17 year old, dedicate tweets and statuses to him, and talk about his physical appearance without even the slightest hint of persecution. And he looks like a child. There is absolutely no misconception that he might be of legal age. Yet the second some dude over 18 even thinks "wow Kendall Jenner's hot," people start screaming and cringing and decrying him as a pedophile.
Imagine that backlash if some 20 year old guy was ballsy enough to get on Facebook and write "Kendall Jenner marry me". People everywhere would label him a shit stain on the underpants of society and he would immediately have more cops at his door than a black family in the suburbs. Every child predator support group would come out of the woodwork and this dude would be an instant pariah.
This speaks to a bigger issue. Short of actually checking IDs, guys have to take the word of these potentially slutty minors that they are of legal age. If a guy sees makeup, skimpy clothes, and she says "yeah I'm 18" what is he supposed to do? Call up his cop buddies and run a credit check to make sure she's telling the truth? Girls be honest. If Kendall Jenner came up to you and said "hi I'm Kendall I just turned 20," don't you dare bullshit me and tell me you would even think twice.
So ladies. Why don't you stop asking guys why we are "sooooo gross" and ask the more pertinent question... where the fuck are these girls' parents? Here's a novel concept. Stop ignoring your skanky daughter and convincing yourself it's "self expression". And don't be mad at me for eye banging her she told me she was legal. Why the fuck is it my fault you let her out of the house dressed as Amanda Cocks? Or should I have gone with Adolf Clitler?
Get it?
Shit I gotta roll. I think Dateline news just pulled into my driveway.
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