I think you would be hard pressed to find someone who has attended college, yes, even the esteemed and socially backwards William & Mary, who would disagree with the assertion that to this point college is the best time of your life. A full 4 years of overly hormonal binge drinking capped off with a large piece of paper written in Latin stating that you didn't waste all of mom and dad's money... just most of it.
Most people see college as a stepping stone to what is commonly referred to as the "real world", insinuating that college is somehow an artificial construct in no way shape or form representative of what life is actually like. I'm sure 20 somethings drinking tequila out of each other's belly buttons was exactly what our fore father's had in mind when they pioneered this whole concept of "higher" education... and no... not that kind of high.
Here's the problem. Though you do learn many important life skills in college - how to pop the shotgun can without spraying your friends, or the perfect "walk of shame" route so nobody you know sees you, the collegiate experience is devoid of some teachings necessary for success in this so called "real world". In fact, I would go so far as to say that you are better prepared for the real world after graduating high school, where you are actually penalized instead of revered for showing up everywhere intoxicated. I'm writing this post for people like myself - young college graduates who got railroaded into these things called "jobs", and spend most of our days faking it through and just hoping that we don't get caught.
Why didn't college teach me that...
Deadlines Matter - Remember that paper was due on October 2nd? Depending on how good of an actor you were and how many of your classmates you could get to bitch and moan with you, you could get that pushed back until the 10th? The 12th? Oh you're professor is a young guy and you have hot classmates? Fine the 16th it is and not a day later! Good luck trying to pull that shit at work. Go try and tell your client that you need an extra 2 weeks to do their growth report because you got wrapped up p0wning n00bs. "But sir I went 25 and 1!!" Hope you like selling Big Macs.
Someone should have told me that...
Attendance Matters - Wait what time does class start? 10:50? What time is it now? 11:02? Welp, I'm already late soooo... Cornhole? College is the only environment on this planet and possibly many of the others where running late is a legitimate excuse for not showing up at all. "The meeting was only an hour and I missed most of it anyway" probably won't save you when your boss is signing that pink slip.
What are these...
Paper Bills? - I'm going to level with you. Until about a year ago I figured that paper mail was all but dead. I just assumed that anything I ever needed would go to my email, which is linked to my phone, so if it didn't make it to my latest Steve Jobs creation then it wasn't important. To that end it stands to reason that all mail carriers are simply drug mules put in place to distribute product while disguised as rottweiler chew toys. Well imagine my surprise when I realized that most corporations are actually still using these people to distribute important bills... and allegedly not just bath salts. That reminds me I need to apologize for a certain someones indictment. Turns out my utilities provider wasn't buying my excuse of "I thought my mail man was in the mafia" as a legitimate reason for not paying my bills. It's dark in here.
Nobody taught me...
How to Make Appointments - Let's be honest, we all had that moment about halfway through college when you realize that you haven't been to the dentist in like 2 years. You immediately call your mother and thank goodness she answers because you need her to make you an appointment. 3 years later wrist deep in Haribo gummy bears you remember your last appointment was during the Bush administration and son of a bitch mom is slacking again. Only this time she tells you that "you're an adult" and "this is now something you have to handle". Oh and heaven forbid you get sick. In college it was just a stroll to student health and some guy who got a C in medical school would give you some penicillin and send you back to playing N64. Now it's an appointment, and time off work, and possibly unnecessary prying into your number of sexual partners because "that cough sounds a little dry". And what the fuck is a co-pay?
I just learned that...
Prison Records Aren't Cool - In college it's called street cred. It means you bonged more beers than your sissy ass roommates and were the last man standing at the end of the night, stumbling down the main thoroughfare of your campus, bleeding from the head, yelling about how your ex girlfriend never gave you a chance while your good-for-nothing compadres were fast asleep or trying to steal mac and cheese from the local gas station. This all leads to you getting picked up by some overzealous rent-a-cop and tossed in the drunk tank for the night. The next morning you have the unenviable task of deciding who the lucky one to get the "bail me out" phone call is going to be, and the proceeding strategy session of how to keep this from mom and dad. Unfortunately as you get older that bail out call is usually to a co-worker, and even though they vow to keep it quiet, after that second glass of wine at the company Christmas party they start blabbing to your boss about that time you passed out naked on an elementary school playground. Oh look, there goes your promotion.
Ummmm...
What is Credit? - The realization that you're 24, credit is actually important, and have none of it is tantamount to realizing that the "9" you went home with is actually a "4" and is an alternate for the dance team. You start to realize that letting your roommates handle all the bills might not have been the best idea in the long run. However, being the enlightened and well educated young professional that you are you decide that you must forge on and start applying for credit cards. Better late than never. That's not what she said. Hmmm, denied due to lack of credit history. Thanks Joseph Heller.
Who got the Catch-22 reference?
... Liars.
If only you had known that getting bent over by Comcast 24/7 would reward you with a solid base on which to build your credit, maybe you'd have a nice reputable piece of plastic instead of the Chuck-E-Cheese credit card you have to use for a year so that the credit card companies trust you not to bankrupt them. I think you're close to your $50 monthly limit.
There's such a thing as...
Nice Beer? - No. No they're isn't. This is actually a trick question. Natty all the way.
It's way harder to...
Survive a Hangover - We all remember those days. No matter how bad the headache was, how much your mouth tasted like shame and mini corn dogs, and no matter how wet the sheets may have been, you'd bounce back like a prize fighter. Everyone had they're go to hangover remedy, but without fail they all included a well deserved nap to complete the rally process. Even though the only memory of the night before are the high tops in your dishwasher and the stranger face down on your couch, you knew you'd be fine by 5 because you trained for this.
That goes away... Fast.
Next think you know you just want to have a couple drinks after work to celebrate a co-workers birthday, and you end up having 6 beers... yes. 6!!! You alcoholic you. The next day you wake up with an AC/DC tribute bang blaring in your head and you feel like you haven't slept a wink. Then it dawns on you. The most crucial part of your gatorade ---> advil ---> back to bed hangover cure triple play is unattainable... NO NAP!! You're relegated to taking all too frequent trips to the bathroom to doze on the toilet and hoping you can talk one of your more senior co workers into letting you nap on their floor. Welcome to corporate rock bottom.
I wish I had known I just had to...
Make an Appearance - Adult world is so ass backwards isn't it? In college you get made fun of for actually attempting to look like anything other than an unkempt shit heap when you're going to class. Somehow the girl who wore sweatpants was way more acceptable than the one who actually showered at some point that week in an attempt to closely resemble a put together human being. Oh how times change. Now perception = reality and it's far more about how you look and act than what you can do. It's phenomenal how far smoke and mirrors can get you in the real world. Put on a clean suit, and smile widely as you lie your way through a few interviews and you'll be on your way to an office and a bangable secretary in no time flat!
If only our college professors had taught us a little more about how to navigate the real world and less about which wild caught salmon we should eat we would be a little more prepared to exist in the corporate concentration camp that we are forced to endure for the better part of our young adult lives. I guess it's not all bad though. As the great Ryan "Call Me Maybe" Snyder once said, "having a job is just like college... except now you have money".
I'm late for happy hour. Ciao.
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