How to Win Halloween

Halloween comes in five distinct flavors. As a kid it is a magical day when you are transformed into a super hero, and for some, unknown reason, all you have to do is knock on your neighbors doors and they simply fill your pillowcase with candy. Once the diabetes are under control and all your cavities are filled, you are able to reminisce on how awesome your zombie Miley Cyrus costumes was and begin planning for next year.

As you get older, and are pummeled by awkward adolescence, Halloween is all of a sudden so uncool. You're creepy if you throw on your old Superman tights and start trolling the neighborhood for candy, but god forbid you put in the effort to come up with a creative costume. Cool teenagers don't participate in Halloween, in fact the more shit you talk about it, and the more you boycott it, the cooler you are because high school girls love a guy with a rebellious streak. Rawr.

Then something happens. You get to college and the life cycle seemingly starts over. Halloween is cool again! Girls use it as an excuse to dress like street walking tramps, and the guys use it as an excuse to hang out with said potential VD carrying coeds. On top of all that, after about 3 beer bongs, sexy Pocahontas is ready to hit the dance floor and you're in! There's a tomahawk joke somewhere in there...

Hi Dad!

You leave college and the fun starts to die out again. Your costume ideas become far less racy as people expect you to be a mature, societal contributor, and unless Halloween falls on a weekend you're shit out of luck. All of a sudden you have a reputation to uphold and showing up to work massively hungover and dressed as Jerry Sandusky doesn't seem like a great idea. You try your bet to coordinate a Halloween gathering with you co-workers but let's be honest, most of you are too wary of being shit hammered around people you see every day to have any fun, so you show up with some lame costume and gossip about office politics. Riveting.

Then it dawns on you. The final stage of Halloween devolution. You find yourself legitimately worried about whether or not your house is adequately decorated and stocked with candy. You don't want to be the only lame house on the block. As you're frantically running through the house preparing to take your kids trick-or-treating you realize just how far you've fallen, and you fear for the future, when you're darling daughter, dressed as a princess with her pink wand and pointy hat becomes sexy Pocahontas... Fuck.

Yet no matter what stage of Halloweening you are currently in there is a way to win. "But Price, Halloween isn't a competition, it's a day made up by candy companies and career criminals to allow us to disguise ourselves as super heroes and whorish interpretations of movie characters". Fair. Now shut up.

At each step there are little known steps you can take in order to optimize your Halloween experience. You're welcome America.

Phase 1: Youthful Exuberance
10 points for being the most powerful superhero. Wolverine > Spiderman. Dark Knight Batman trumps all. 3 points for keeping your mask on all night and not suffocating or falling. 0 points for a gender confused costume.

Phase 2: Adolescent Rebellion
Full 10 points for ruining your sibling costume. Smearing black ink on the inside of the mask, pooping in the boots... the more creative the better. 5 points for stealing a portion of their candy when they come home. 0 points for going soft and helping your parents hand out candy. Sell out. 
 
Phase 3: Secretive Sluttiness
10 points for a nip slip while doing a keg stand. You're immediately a collegiate legend. Guys, full marks for wearing a costume so outrageous that hot girl in your English class has no idea who you are. Bonus points if you use this to make out with her. 5 points for changing half way through you party. Your lack of commitment is troubling but it's better than nothing. No credit for no effort.

Phase 4: Unfortunate Adulthood
10 points for winning the office costume contest. 5 points for trying. 0 points for embarrassing yourself with a racially insensitive get up. Smells like an HR complaint.

Phrase 5: Over the Hill
10 points for making sure your kids have a great time. 5 points for taking them out but bringing them home too early. Bonus points for strong arming a neighbor into being extra generous with the Snickers. 0 points for being the deadbeat parent who refuses to allow their kids to take candy from strangers. Only thing worse would be getting so into it that you use it as an excuse to be irresponsible. The neighbors won't speak fondly of you if you dress up as an alcoholic. How transparent.

All Hallows Eve can be tough to navigate as you get older, but keep this guide close and no matter who you're pretending to be you'll make the most out of October 31st.

And if your identical twin has a hot girlfriend... well... yeah