Things You Can't Do While Black: Vol. II

When I wrote about this the first time over 4 years ago I didn't necessarily think there would be a need for a second iteration. I foolishly thought things were trending (albeit slowly and marginally), in the right direction: Obama was doing his thing, J. Cole released 2014 Forest Hills Drive, Pharrell accidentally became a spokesperson for fire safety, and we were a long way from the American people electing a misogynistic, geriatric, racist, human wax candle to be president and eventually captain us to an embarrassingly pornstary demise. Ahh, the good ol' days.

Remember, only you, can prevent forest fires.

That's about where the good news stops. Since then (and not that things were ever that great for us), things have been heading in the wrong direction for African Americans (and brown people in general).

Since volume 1, which was meant to be a little bit of lighthearted satire on the state of racial bias in our nation (a bias that I admit, I wasn't taking seriously enough), here's a snippet of what's gone down, among myriad other cases:

Mike Brown – unarmed black kid, shot and killed	Ferguson, MO, becomes a warzone	Christian Taylor – unarmed black kid, shot and killed
Sam DuBose – unarmed black man, shot and killed during a traffic stop	Tamir Rice – 12-year-old black kid, shot and killed	Terence Crutcher – unarmed black man, shot and killed
Freddie Gray – "fell into a coma" suspiciously, and died, while being transported with police	Walter Scott – unarmed black man, shot in the back and killed	Philando Castile – shot 7 times and killed in front of his 4-year-old daughter
Akai Gurley – unarmed black man, shot and killed in a stairwell	Eric Garner – black dude choked out in the street	Kaep gets blackballed by the NFL (pun semi-intended), for protesting racial injustice
Charlottesville becomes a hashtag for a white supremacist rally & murder... because... statues	Jason Whitlock & Lavar Ball happened	Charles Kinsey – unarmed black dude shot in the middle of the street while on his back with his hands up
Taylor Swift covers "September"	2 black dudes get arrested in a Starbucks for __________	14-year-old Brennan Walker gets shot at WITH A SHOTGUN for asking directions to school

This shit isn't news to anyone, but what strikes me is that in the majority of these cases there was some sort of ludicrous excuse as to why the killing was justified. "I feared for my safety," "he should have just complied," "he forgot to brush his teeth that morning," "he's anti-military," "he sang America the Beautiful out of tune," or whatever the fuck ever. 

Again, though this shouldn't news to anyone, but I oddly feel like this needs to be said: it all... ALL comes down to implicit bias. And for those of you who bristled and thought "well I'm not racist," you still might be, but that's not remotely the same thing and also doesn't exclude you from harboring, teaching, and acting on a socially-ingrained prejudice against minorities that results in people that look like me and my friends and my kids being profiled, shot at, and potentially killed.

Unlike Mike B, I am not feelin' it.

Part of the problem is that we all think we're better than the next person at doing, what should be, basic human shit. It becomes a "not me" issue. Go ahead, give yourself credit for not clutching your purse when you walked past those black guys. You're absolved. What a rush... Oh talk to them? Those thugs? No way, I bet they didn't even finish high school.

The other issue is that we rarely challenge ourselves to analyze the root of the problem, to understand historical context. Have you ever though about why you're conditioned to feel the way you do about certain groups of people? How you're so justified to act based on stereotypes and little to no information about the person themselves.

Coates said it. Michelle Obama said it. Papa Pope said it. And every black kid has heard some version of it:

"you have to be twice as good to get half as much."

The reality is minorities have to go out of their way just to to prove all the shit that we assume about white people. Black folks, that goofy-ass smile you throw on when you're passing someone to make sure they know you aren't threatening. The talk we've all had about how to interact with the police, no not to be civil, but to not end up a statistic. The way you have to be sociopathically-calm to guard against being "the angry black person" because you will always be seen as the agitator.

It doesn't take a PhD in history to understand that America was founded and built on a racially-derived caste system and the negative portrayal of minorities. Black people throughout history are conveyed as ignorant, dangerous, animalistic, and unpredictable. This practice has persisted for hundreds of years and permeated our thinking. And for those of you wondering, this is why Black Panther was so significant, especially in the black community.

Wakanda Forever.

Price, what's the point.

In all of these legacy cases, there was something culturally significant about the victim. Kaep's got tattoos and an afro. Maybe he should take the advice of the social decorum guru, Mike Vick, and cut his hair. Eric Garner was a big dude, and poor. Maybe if he was skinnier and less threatening all would have been good? Philando Castile had braids. A clean cut dude probably wouldn't have had an issue.

Here's why that's all bullshit.

Brennan Walker is 14-years-old. This dude looks like a normal fucking kid who weighs 68 lbs. and just wants to play Fortnite and giggles when he holds hands with girls.

I, uhhh, hehe.

He misses the bus, as we all have, and remarkably (probably to avoid the maternal ass-whooping that comes with playing hooky), goes to the neighbors house to ask for directions. Now, mind you, he didn't walk into their house uninvited, he didn't smash the window and climb in, he didn't torpedo down the chimney. He knocked. Like a normal person. Say, the mailman, or Dominoes, or Jehovah's interminable witnesses. Or. Or. THE SHITTIEST FUCKING CRIMINAL EVER.

The wife answers the door and, per reports, yells something to the effect of "why did you people choose us? why are you breaking into my house."

YOU people.

OK, so, off to a flying start. Racist old lady (surprise!), immediately assumes the main character from Abe's Odyssey is trying to break into her house (anyone get that reference?). From there, her All-Star husband pulls out a shotgun and fucking shoots at Brennan as he runs away and hides in the bushes.

Part and parcel to that fuckery, two black real estate agents, while waiting for a friend to arrive, get arrested in Philly for

Oh, no. That sentence is finished.

OK, lay it on me. Let's hear the excuses as to why this isn't a race thing. Why the barista calling the cops on the two black guys amidst an ENTIRE Starbucks of white people "working on their novels" isn't a racial thing. Why like 7 cops showed up and walked them out in handcuffs.

I'll wait.

These cases, aside from being the most recent, are the exemplars of why black folks are mad, feel anxious, why Kaep kneels. What else could they have done? In what other ways do minorities need to assimilate in order to not get arrested or murdered? A kid trying to find his way to school almost gets blown away, and two guys get dragged out of a Starbucks in handcuffs.

You're either purposefully oblivious or a try-hard asshole if at this juncture you still feel the need to try and justify shit like this.

Wakanda forever.  

Mask On. Fuck It, Mask Off

Future probably wasn't talking about Charlottesville... but he might as well have been.

ICYMI: This past weekend sunny, utopian Charlottesville, the home of Thomas Jefferson (who wrote the Declaration and was, you know, a nice slave owner), Bodos, Dave Matthews, Chris Long & Malcolm Brogdon, played host to a far less reputable group: rabid white supremacists. Organized by local, doughy jizz rag, Jason Kessler, Richard Spencer and the rest of the pasty, Macklemore haircut-sporting homies infested Central Virginia armed to to the teeth for, you guessed it, a "peaceful protest."

They kicked off the weekend at Home Goods, apparently, buying more tiki torches than a fraternity luau and marching straight onto the campus of UVA, blissfully unencumbered by mosquitoes. While chanting known Nazi slogans such as "blood and soil," and "you will not replace us," (which, tough break fam, yes we will. And good luck explaining this shit to your brown great-grandkids), they proceeded to surround a group of counter-protesters near the Thomas Jefferson statue and the event (shockingly, right?) became violent.

"Well the 'tolerant' left incited the violence. We weren't allowed to have a peaceful protest," moan the shit-head squad, brainlessly regurgitating whatever verbal diarrhea has most-recently erupted from human dumpster, Tomi Lahren.

Let's get something real fucking clear. If you're unable to separate violence against Nazis from being (and or sympathizing with), a Nazi, I urge you, PLEASE don't reproduce.

But this move is the Spider 2 Y Banana in the White Supremacist playbook.

1. Wrap a racist, homophobic, bigoted turd loosely in 1st Amendment first amendment freedoms, as any true "patriot" would.

2. Incite violence without necessarily being overly violent. You know, just carry fire through private property and chant Nazi slogans.

3. Appear frightened, confused, and persecuted when sane people retaliate

4. Cry oppression all over every social media channel (ever Periscope... yeah. Periscope), like a recently-dumped Kardashian

5. Shotgun Miller High Life & burn cross

And that's what gets people fucked up, including our prolapsed anus of a "president," who had the audacity to condemn hatred on "many sides."

"We condemn in the strongest possible terms this egregious display of hatred, bigotry, and violence, on many sides."

Many sides?!

This isn't a fucking dodecahedron.

There are two sides: Racists... not racists.

Without spiraling down a Trump rabbit-hole, it is quickly worth noting that this is the dude who has shown a proclivity for denouncing a wide variety of things faster than a 14 year old virgin's first time in the sack. The fact that he can't be brought to speak out against white supremacy and domestic terrorism, because it is perpetrated by his voting bloc (as evidenced by David Duke, Andrew Anglin, and others), speaks volumes. Or just reinforces that we've been telling you folks for months.

"We are determined to take our country back. We're going to fulfill the promises of Donald Trump. That's what we believed in, that's why we voted for Donald Trump."

1. "But he did speak out against it."
2. "It was implied, obviously."
3. "Other total dog shit excuse because I voted for Trump and want to absolve myself."

1. It took him three days. Three fucking days! To dunk the biggest moral alley-oop of his time in office.

2. OK, word, so, if this was a Muslim, or a brown person, you all wouldn't have been blowing up the Fox News phones for him to say "radical Islamic terrorism," or to stand up to, explicitly the minority "thugs" who perpetrated this violence.

3. If you voted for Trump, I don't have beef with you, yet. BUT YOU HAVE TO ACKNOWLEDGE YOUR ROLE IN THIS. Miss me with all of this shit about "the swamp and emails and jobs and business and OMG 'DEPLORABLE!'" You don't get a pass. You cosigned on this nuclear shit missile that just hit the town that my family calls home. Am I saying that you're equally culpable as the terrorist who drove a Dodge Charger down a side street and killed Heather Heyer? Absolutely not. But you knowingly voted for the man who emboldened him. And you have to own that.

If you find yourself defending what happened this weekend by hiding behind the First Amendment, or trying to explain how the "radical left" incited the violence, have a long look in the mirror. If you find yourself making some ludicrous false equivalency between a domestic terrorist attack and peaceful protest, take a pause and think about your value system. If you wonder why your POC friends (who may not be that for much longer), are "triggered" or "uptight," this shit is exactly why.

We can't let the letter of the law be mistaken for the spirit of the law. The First Amendment protects free speech and assembly, everyone knows this. But to hide behind that is cowardly and irresponsible. I've never heard of anyone hiring a militia for a "peaceful protest," and coming strapped with enough artillery to invade a small nation. There was nothing peaceful about this from jumpstreet. And a young woman is dead because of it.

Lastly, for those who say "this isn't Charlottesville," take stock of what you're saying and how marginalizing that is to the folks for whom this is exactly what Charlottesville is and has been. It's not all King Family and Brook's Brothers for a large part of the community. There's a more "polite" race problem in Charlottesville, but it shouldn't take our city looking like Deliverance fucked Pakistan to make that clear.

I went to William & Mary, I'm light-skinned, I grew up in the suburbs, I don't say "nigga" too often, and I played the bassoon in band. And even as a relatively palatable black man, I still had "NIGGER" graffitied onto my family car.

In 20 years, when the young people now asked what we did in 2017, the answer can't be "nothing." This isn't toothless hicks driving debilitated winnebagos having cosplay parties in the woods (mostly). These are your stock brokers, college students, teachers, and politicians.

Mask off, Charlottesville.

A Tale of Race and Rape

I don't consider myself an activist. But in this particular case I am 3 things that apparently matter to how your treated on a large scale, even in 2016.

I was an athlete: +1
I'm male: +1
I'm not white: -10.

We all know the story, or at least the bones of it. Brock Turner, Stanford swimmer, was caught by 2 students raping an unconscious woman behind a dumpster.

That should be all you need to know, right? It's a rape. Period. End of story. That carries with it a certain punishment regardless of creed, status, or color, that sentence is levied, and we move on. Seems like it should be relatively simple from a logistical standpoint... right? The crime is what it is.


They weren't lacking for evidence, he literally got caught, tried to run (nice touch), and hawked down by 2 noble Swedish guys on bikes.

Ahh, but guess who presided over this trial. Aaron Persky. Why does that matter? Because Persky, is a former Stanford athlete himself. So time out. We gave the trial of a white Stanford athlete to a white, former Stanford athlete!?

OK, so here's where this gets really bad, because forcing sex upon a lifeless person isn't bad in and of itself.

Turner received a six-month jail sentence with the possibility of being released early for good behavior. Persky actually said that "a prison sentence would have a severe affect on him." Well, yeah, I mean, isn't that the point of a prison sentence?

Six-months... He'll be home by Christmas.

Unsurprisingly, comparisons are being drawn to other rapes of unconscious women (which, guys... are you fucking serious with this shit?), and the unfortunate truth is that these very similar situations are being treated drastically differently.

Cory Batey, under similar, disgustingly inexplicable circumstances, was convicted of rape and sentenced to a minimum 15-25 years (2,900% longer for the same crime). He'll too be home by Christmas... when he's 40. Judge Wilkins (a black man), punished a grievous crime severely, as he should have.

Oh, it's worth mentioning... guess which one of these offenders was white. This isn't a case of the minority being over-punished. This, unfortunately, reeks of white privilege.

I'm disappointed and confused for 3 main reasons.

1. This may come as a bit of a surprise, but I'm a little upset at the lambasting of Turner's father. Yes, he made some comments that appeared insensitive to the effect of not punishing his son for "20 minutes over the course of 20 years." Does it sound dumb, yes? But is this situation personal to me, no? So, the natural question is "well Price, what if this was one of the women in your life." Of course I'd be headed home with Turner's teeth and awaiting a cruiser to show up at my door. Without a doubt. 





And that's exactly my point. When it's personal, you expect your reaction to be outside the realm of what any garden-variety stranger would do. I'm confident he didn't raise his son as an entitled, sexual deviant, and I'm also fairly sure it can't be easy to call your son a rapist, even if he is. No, I don't necessarily agree with what he said, but I get it, he's doing what any dad would do, looking out for his boy. 


2. Instead, channel all that virility to Brock Turner himself. Post his name everywhere, meme his pictures, ruin his reputation, force the popular media outlets to tell the true story in it's entirety. I can't get on board with the argument that "this was a mistake," or a "lapse in judgement." Most people who have been to college have been over-served at some point. This isn't a "oops I peed in public," or "took a bag of chips from Wawa." Think about the message this sends to this poor young woman when we basically say "meh, boys will be boys."  


3. What in the high hell is going on with our judicial system?! I don't want this to be a race issue, I really, really don't. I think it detracts from the act itself and takes the spotlight off of the offenders and somehow makes this a social argument. It shouldn't be. But how the actual fuck does this Persky clown get this case. And further, we expect our judges to be approach reproach and to uphold the law not the reputation of their alma maters. 

Aaron Persky, you're a disgrace and this should ruin your career. Cory Batey, you're a disgrace. Brock Turner, you're a disgrace, the latter of you in 100% equal measure. To your families, schools, teammates. Shit bags, both of you. Black, white, rich, poor, tall, short... inconsequential, all of it. What's confusing is the fact that our judicial system doesn't see it that way. That, my friends, is an issue.

Was there a drastic difference in these cases that I don't know about, outside the race of the perpetrator? I would love for someone to tell me that Turner was actually implanted with a micro-chip and was being remotely controlled by some sinister cabal out to mar the pristine reputation of elite, higher-education institutions. 

Unfortunately, that's probably unlikely. 

Here's another major issue with this whole scenario. The entire world who knows this story, (save the people who are objectively assholes), feel that Turner was let off too easy. Even in a vacuum, six-months is super lenient, but in the racially-charged society that we live in, this is bound to piss off a lot of people.

So I leave you with two questions. What if someone beats the shit out of Turner? Rolls up on him, and whoops his ass with a bat. 

According to Cornell Law School "if the crime of violence results in serious bodily injury (as defined in section 1365), or if a dangerous weapon was used during and in relation to the crime of violence, be imprisoned for life or for any term of years not less than 10."

I get it, that's relatively watered down, but it sheds light on what we're dealing with. That's a sentence 20x longer than Turner's, and, I mean, who would begrudge someone a few free shots at this ass-douche?

Next question: what if his assailant is a minority. It shouldn't matter, but...

You decide for yourself.

Business Buzzword Bingo!

TL/DR: BINGO!
Social Posts
Facebook: not your grandmother's #bingo! #outofthebox thinking from young employee creates #paradigmshift in corporate #workflow
Twitter: #buzzwordbingo is a boon for #bigdata businesses looking to #benchmark #bestpractices
LinkedIn: Oops, you thought your employees were taking notes
Microsoft Lync: 
Snapchat: Sorry, that picture was supposed to go to my other girlfriend

Working for big companies can be fun. You show up to a fancy building with that snazzy personal key card that works 87% of the time and gets you VIP access to the all the amenities your office has to offer: 3 toilets per every 100 employees, rigorously-vetted time sheets, and scooters OMFG so fun! Since your modern office is also all windows, you can stare out at everyone having a worse time than you. Smiling, walking, enjoying fresh air. Chumps. Luckily those windows don't open, amiright? You'd be compelled to share your joy with the passers-by. And the sidewalk.

Another one of the inherent and underrated benefits of working for a well-established, rigid corporation is the amount of meeting time you get to enjoy in any given week. Sure, the majority of them have nothing to do with you and either start an average of 10 minutes late or the technology breaks, but it's a great way to sit shoulder to shoulder with people you're forced to interact with and compete to see who can send the most texts without getting yelled at. That kids, is called "team building". 

Look, I get it, you're having enough fun as it is. That guy standing at the front of the room reading the 56 slide power point presentation word for you word has you absolutely captivated. Understandably so. So much so, that you haven't yet realized that though there are words flowing from his mouth, or sporadically via the faulty Lync connection your office has, this presenter hasn't actually said anything. 

No, no. Must be your software.

Secret's out. 

Although he's properly displayed the vertical agility necessary to accurately optimize all the low-hanging fruit in his deliverable for maximum efficiency, he hasn't entirely and/or cohesively baked-in his 90 day plan for synergy or pushed the envelope... at all. There wasn't enough sustainable ideation to leverage all necessary touch-points to ensure the paradigm adds value. And shame on him for not giving you a download of the 10,000 foot view of that information.

It's actually a fairly easy language to learn, and works amazingly as a parlor trick if you happen to be confused or don't know the answer to a question. You don't have to strive to make sense, you just have to say the proper buzzwords and you'll get some shockingly agreeable head nods from the audience.

As a way to help you familiarize yourself with this vernacular, be a better employee (you're welcome, you need it), and stay awake in meetings, we've developed for you Business Buzzword Bingo. Patent Pending. Alliteration approved.

THE RULES:

1. Print the included board and bring with you to your next meeting. Make sure you've distributed other boards to your friends and mixed up the placement of the words. Duh.


2. Sit scattered throughout the meeting space. You can't all be right next to each other. 


3. Pretend like you're taking notes. You do this anyway, but, try harder. 


4. Once you've connected 6 in a row horizontally or 10 vertically (admittedly, I really didn't think this through but it should really only take you like 3 minutes either way) you have to yell "Bingo!" If you don't yell, you don't win.


5. Confidently stare back at your colleagues and superiors who are now looking at you confusedly, and be filled with the pride of your victory.


6. Get kicked out of the meeting for being disruptive and pretend to be remorseful but actually just go to Sweetfrog and wait for an hour while everyone else suffers.


7. Be at your desk when everyone wanders back aimlessly, and apologize profusely and vow to be better next time.


8. Don't be better the next time. 

If you like this, visit sansbullshitsans.com. Actually, even if you don't like this, but for some idiot reason made it all the way to the end, then you're a liar and you did enjoy it, and visit the site anyway. 

Black White Shades of Gray

There have been a lot of racial misunderstandings in the news lately. Unfortunately, the reality is that these almost always end with a black guy getting killed. Mike Brown, Trayvon Martin, Apollo Creed... the list goes on.

I'm not here to say who's right and who's wrong. Political statements aren't my thing. What I am here to do is solve a problem.

Black and white people communicate in markedly different ways. There. I said it. Luckily, I happen to sit on both sides of the fence (because straddling it too painful), so I feel I can act as a translation medium of sorts, to help the two cultures better understand one another and hopefully lead to a reduction in the amount of violence and tension.

Whenever we travel to other countries we bring with us a translation dictionary, or use Google translate, or if you're really bold just wing it. But that's how you end up trading someone's child for an organ. Alas, while no translation service is perfect and have left me with more than a few apologies to make in various countries, they at least give us a rough idea of what we're saying and what is being said to us.

I also think this will allow you to mark that your "bilingual" on LinkedIn. You're welcome.

Shank
This one took me a couple years to learn, but the difference in definition is important.

White Culture: Believe it or not this means to pull someone's pants down. If one of your white friends says he "shanked" someone, he is referring to the art of pantsing him... or her. But that's techincally a precursor to rape so maybe don't condone that.

Black Culture: Can be a noun or a verb, but both refer to stabbing. A "shank" is a makeshift knife typically made in prison, and to "shank" someone is to stab them. So white people, if one of your black friends says he "shanked" a guy, a cordial chuckle and a bare-ass joke will leave you both confused, and you will be an accessory to a crime.

Fam
White Culture: Someone you are related to and share genetic material with.

Black Culture: Literally anybody, regardless of age, race, or familial affiliation.

That girl is bad
White Culture: She misbehaves and is difficult to be around.

Black Culture: That girl is fine AF.

What's good?
White Culture: What should I order? What do you recommend from this menu?

Black Culture: What's up with you? How are you living these days?

Damn
White Culture: Drat. Something bad just happened.

Black Culture: Holy shit, Something surprising just happened.

Doe
White Culture: A deer, a female deer.

Black Culture: Translation of "though". Who the fuck has seen Sound of Music?

Yo
White Culture: Half of your favorite child-hood toy.

Black Culture: Anything from a greeting to an entire sentence. Can stand in place of "hello", or, if said like "yooooo", could mean that you need to chill out before something bad happens to you. I have added more o's to calm myself before I do something unpredictable based on your behavior.

C'mon son
White Culture: Let's get a move-on young person who came from my balls.

Black Culture: You fucked up. Can be said to any male, regardless of age. Usually accompanied by a handwritten sign on a piece of hastily torn cardboard.

You are trippin'
White Culture: You're having a hard time keeping your balance. Work harder to stay upright.

Black Culture: You're out of your mind.

Steel/stole
White Culture: To take something unlawfully that is not yours.

Black Culture: Somehow this means to punch. If you "get stole" then you get punched. Yeah, go figure?

I don't mean to be racist, but
White Culture: I'm about to say the most racist shit you've ever heard.

*Subtle Nod
White Culture: You're obviously confused. Stop doing that.

Black Culture: Maybe I know you, or maybe I've never seen you before. We may be total strangers, acquaintances, or in fact related. Nobody will ever know.

I can't breathe
Well... yeah.

Print it out, fold it up, take it with you. Next time you're in a conversation with someone who's culturally different that you, you guys can communicate without hassle.

Corporate Theater

All the world's a stage, and all the men and women merely players. I think I read that on the back of a cereal box or something.

Apparently it's Shakespeare. Fuck me right? Well anyway it makes a lot of sense. In any situation, people take on a character, and all of their actions are consistent with whichever character they are playing in this performance we call life.

The modern office is no different. Each of the employees from day one adopts a persona, and plays out this character for the duration of their tenure. It's not typical for these characters to change mid-scene, though it has been known to happen. Consistency is key for humans, so once you're typecast, all of your actions will be interpreted through that lens. Et tu Brute?

Right?

Nonchalant Smart Guy - Or NSG, as he will hereforeto be referred, is the one who everyone hates, but also secretly wants to be. This is the employee who never seems like he's trying, yet through charisma, luck, and what all others considers to be a fair amount of cheating, continues to move up and catch the eye of those in charge. This is the guy who can talk himself out of nearly anything, and is so annoyingly charming that no matter how many times you try to sabotage him he always comes out on top. Blast!

Overachiever - This person just outright sucks. Unequivocally. This is the employee who comes in early and stays late, yet constantly complains about how much work he has to do. 100% chance he operates inefficiently just to be able to say "OMG I worked 10 hours today". His quest to make everyone look bad positions him as the sworn nemesis of the NSG.

Dunce - This poor guy. He tries so hard to imitate the NSG but always comes up dramatically short. This goober, more often than not, finds himself laughing at his own jokes. Whereas the NSG's advances are met with giggles and adoration, the dunce ends up with the sexual harassment complaint. It's almost like he wasn't even paying attention during the orientation video.

Office Slut - There's always one. Pretty self-explanatory. Offices are typically pretty incestuous, so the one deemed office slut isn't always the one who has slept with the most co-workers, but simply the one who people know the most about. It's typically a bum rap for this poor girl because her co-workers are probably just as bad but vastly more secretive.

Can you forward me that quarterly report?

Office Hottie - Without fail there's a girl in your office who everyone wants to get with. As you read this you know exactly who I'm talking about. And it always seems like there's some roadblock keeping you from sealing the deal. She's got a boyfriend, she's a lesbian, you're a douche... always something in the way.

Office Drunk - This is an essential character in the office drama. This is the brave soul who shows up to work hungover 94% of the time, making the one or two times that you do it seem inconsequential by comparison. He is the inebriated standard to which the rest of the employees compare themselves, and is more often than not the one making drunken advances on his boss at after-hours work functions. Makes your disheveled life seem not so bad right?

Brown-Noser - Ugh, the brown-noser is a more irritating version of the overachiever because coupled with that annoying trait of actually trying, this a-wad makes a show of it. This is typically the idiot who went to one too many business seminars in college and thinks that the way to get ahead is to pucker up and smooch anything that even remotely resembles an ass. Ahh how sweet it will be when he has to french both of your cheeks. Suck it nerds.

Uptight Supervisor - Another villain. Everyone has had an experience with the boss who takes themselves way too seriously and feels the need to micromanage you. He's always over your shoulder, and so deep in your shit he could tell you what you had for lunch. There are few more satisfying feelings than drawing this guy a diagram of where he can stick all of his memos and snarky emails.

Undeserved Sense of Accomplishment Guy - Quite possibly the arch-villain of our play. Unlike the NSG, who progresses via aptitude and devilish wit, the USAG ascends the corporate ladder by riding the coat-tails of his far more successful significant other, and struts around the office like a teenager who just lost his virginity. Taking liberties with corporate policy, and the overall d-bag vibe he exudes make his face especially punchable. Forms a reluctant alliance with the brown-noser as they both try to fellatio their way to a corner office.

Potentially Postal Guy - Every office has this guy. Usually wears cargo shorts, never says a word to anyone, and somehow knows all the words to Papa Roach songs. It's incumbent upon you to do whatever is necessary to get on this guy's good side so you get the note that reads, "you should probably go to lunch" right before your office mysteriously burns down. And I thought he was just looking out for my blood sugar levels.

Office Clown - The sidekick of the NSG. He's equally smart but at the end of the day... just really  doesn't give a shit. He was the kid in school who never studied but always got good grades, and got his thrills by making others laugh and torturing those in charge. An integral cog in the office morale machine, don't ever underestimate his ability to either keep the office in good spirits and/or totally upset the establishment.

In the spirit of equality I suppose the office slut can be a guy. Although in guy world it's all hugs and hand pounds for the person who sleeps with the most co-workers. Social sexual equality discussion for a different day.

Gotta jet. I've got a meeting to sleep through!

Office Romance

Someone smart once said, "don't shit where you eat". Now, I'm not sure if he meant don't poop at the dinner table, or don't take your meals in the john... either way I think he was on to something - literally and/or figuratively.

"Dating" in college is cakewalk, partially because that term is more ambiguous than Sandusky's morals. Everyone opts to exist in this vaguely gray area which allows them to basically sleep with anyone they want and pull the "we were never official" card if they get called out. That notwithstanding it's easy to surround yourself with people who are into the same things as you, be it sports teams, sororities, fraternities, or possibly the ever riveting quidditch... way to be William & Mary. If for some reason nobody appeals to you in the circles run in day to day, fear not. With patience comes prosperity and in no time flat you'll have the opportunity to dive head first into the hormonally charged circus that is college on the weekends... which typically starts on Wednesday.

From there it's basically fishing with dynamite.

After 10 games of civil war and few long island iced teas you can't resist the girl at the other end of the bar with most of her teeth screaming a horrifying rendition of TLC's "No Scrubs", butchering all the words while wrist deep in cheese fries. Mom would be so proud.

Then 4 years, and $100,000 of mom and dad's money later, you're forced to walk across the stage and renounce your old ways. You abandon a world of cheap alcohol, where irresponsibility is passed off as "finding yourself". The proverbial music stops and you're all of a sudden expected to pay bills, wear pants, and actually know the name of girl you slept with last night. What is that about?

You do what you're supposed to do and get a job, and each and every day you wonder how in the hell you're supposed to meet anyone interesting. Apparently the business world isn't exactly what Mad Men made it out to be. My secretary isn't nearly that promiscuous.

Inconceivable!

You've got to choose from the pool you're swimming in, and while when discouraged your friends will opine "there's plenty of fish in the sea", if you work at the wrong business it could be a sea full of carp. Nevertheless there's a chance you'll get lucky, and the cute one in the office next to you finally gets your name right, and you guys hit it off. But wait, you don't want your coworkers to know. How embarrassing will it be if these 80 people that you don't give two shits about know that you... you know... have sex! Much less with someone else in the office! They'll all think so much less of you. What a harlot!

Inevitably, while trying to hide your scarlet letter from the people who you see every waking day of your life, you make it infinitely more obvious that there is, in fact, something going on, and after about 12 seconds of painfully awkward interaction, everyone in the office can tell you exactly who it's going on with.

Don't worry, I've come up with a solution for you, and present to you 5 bulletproof ways to make sure that nobody, not even the love child of Columbo and Sherlock Holmes, suspects a thing.

Eye Contact - At no point, I repeat, no point, should you ever make eye contact with the person you've been sleeping with. In fact, your best bet is to go so far as to divert your eyes from them at all times. Your co-workers will just assume that you guys have never met and therefore couldn't possibly be doing the horizontal tango.

Public Interaction - This ones easy. Avoid it. Like Kim Kardashian avoids dignity. When the opportunity presents itself to go out together don't take the bait. This "group of friends" that you guys always hang out with is just a quorum of people waiting to unlock your secrets. Don't let them lure you in. Stay vigilant.

Diversion - As soon as anyone brings up the name of your office romance, quickly turn the tables back on them and accuse them of sleeping with a co-worker. This is a tried and true diversion tactic and 60% of the time it works every time. Adeptly take the heat off of yourself, and focus it onto the person sitting next to you. They'll never see it coming!

2nd Grade Flirting - This is the commonly agreed upon best way to throw your other co-workers off the scent. Make sure to take careful, well thought out measures to act like you absolutely hate the one person you're getting it on with. Go out of your way to make them look stupid, to prove to everyone around you that they aren't nearly worthy of your nakedness. Everyone will quickly believe that you actually despise each other and they'll never be any the wiser.

Exit Strategy - So far so good. The entire night you've made 0 eye contact, ignored each other 98% of the time though when forced to interact all you've done is comment on one another's shortcomings, and you've accused your team member of sleeping with the secretary. All the pieces are in place. Nobody has any clue that you two are going to leave together. The coast is clear. The only way to get out clean is to giggle and make as much of a scene as possible, tell everyone that she is simply giving you a ride home and then sprint for the door before anyone can question you. Everyone knows you don't want to pass up a free ride home, so they'll assume you're being responsible.

You've done it! You've successfully deflected all suspicion that you are having an office fling! You're the Thomas Crowne of intra-office fraternization. You should be very proud of yourself. They just put a dead bolt on the storage room... might as well go celebrate!