Apparently it's Shakespeare. Fuck me right? Well anyway it makes a lot of sense. In any situation, people take on a character, and all of their actions are consistent with whichever character they are playing in this performance we call life.
The modern office is no different. Each of the employees from day one adopts a persona, and plays out this character for the duration of their tenure. It's not typical for these characters to change mid-scene, though it has been known to happen. Consistency is key for humans, so once you're typecast, all of your actions will be interpreted through that lens. Et tu Brute?
Right?
Nonchalant Smart Guy - Or NSG, as he will hereforeto be referred, is the one who everyone hates, but also secretly wants to be. This is the employee who never seems like he's trying, yet through charisma, luck, and what all others considers to be a fair amount of cheating, continues to move up and catch the eye of those in charge. This is the guy who can talk himself out of nearly anything, and is so annoyingly charming that no matter how many times you try to sabotage him he always comes out on top. Blast!
Overachiever - This person just outright sucks. Unequivocally. This is the employee who comes in early and stays late, yet constantly complains about how much work he has to do. 100% chance he operates inefficiently just to be able to say "OMG I worked 10 hours today". His quest to make everyone look bad positions him as the sworn nemesis of the NSG.
Dunce - This poor guy. He tries so hard to imitate the NSG but always comes up dramatically short. This goober, more often than not, finds himself laughing at his own jokes. Whereas the NSG's advances are met with giggles and adoration, the dunce ends up with the sexual harassment complaint. It's almost like he wasn't even paying attention during the orientation video.
Office Slut - There's always one. Pretty self-explanatory. Offices are typically pretty incestuous, so the one deemed office slut isn't always the one who has slept with the most co-workers, but simply the one who people know the most about. It's typically a bum rap for this poor girl because her co-workers are probably just as bad but vastly more secretive.
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| Can you forward me that quarterly report? |
Office Hottie - Without fail there's a girl in your office who everyone wants to get with. As you read this you know exactly who I'm talking about. And it always seems like there's some roadblock keeping you from sealing the deal. She's got a boyfriend, she's a lesbian, you're a douche... always something in the way.
Office Drunk - This is an essential character in the office drama. This is the brave soul who shows up to work hungover 94% of the time, making the one or two times that you do it seem inconsequential by comparison. He is the inebriated standard to which the rest of the employees compare themselves, and is more often than not the one making drunken advances on his boss at after-hours work functions. Makes your disheveled life seem not so bad right?
Brown-Noser - Ugh, the brown-noser is a more irritating version of the overachiever because coupled with that annoying trait of actually trying, this a-wad makes a show of it. This is typically the idiot who went to one too many business seminars in college and thinks that the way to get ahead is to pucker up and smooch anything that even remotely resembles an ass. Ahh how sweet it will be when he has to french both of your cheeks. Suck it nerds.
Uptight Supervisor - Another villain. Everyone has had an experience with the boss who takes themselves way too seriously and feels the need to micromanage you. He's always over your shoulder, and so deep in your shit he could tell you what you had for lunch. There are few more satisfying feelings than drawing this guy a diagram of where he can stick all of his memos and snarky emails.
Undeserved Sense of Accomplishment Guy - Quite possibly the arch-villain of our play. Unlike the NSG, who progresses via aptitude and devilish wit, the USAG ascends the corporate ladder by riding the coat-tails of his far more successful significant other, and struts around the office like a teenager who just lost his virginity. Taking liberties with corporate policy, and the overall d-bag vibe he exudes make his face especially punchable. Forms a reluctant alliance with the brown-noser as they both try to fellatio their way to a corner office.
Potentially Postal Guy - Every office has this guy. Usually wears cargo shorts, never says a word to anyone, and somehow knows all the words to Papa Roach songs. It's incumbent upon you to do whatever is necessary to get on this guy's good side so you get the note that reads, "you should probably go to lunch" right before your office mysteriously burns down. And I thought he was just looking out for my blood sugar levels.
Office Clown - The sidekick of the NSG. He's equally smart but at the end of the day... just really doesn't give a shit. He was the kid in school who never studied but always got good grades, and got his thrills by making others laugh and torturing those in charge. An integral cog in the office morale machine, don't ever underestimate his ability to either keep the office in good spirits and/or totally upset the establishment.
In the spirit of equality I suppose the office slut can be a guy. Although in guy world it's all hugs and hand pounds for the person who sleeps with the most co-workers. Social sexual equality discussion for a different day.
Gotta jet. I've got a meeting to sleep through!
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