Office Romance

Someone smart once said, "don't shit where you eat". Now, I'm not sure if he meant don't poop at the dinner table, or don't take your meals in the john... either way I think he was on to something - literally and/or figuratively.

"Dating" in college is cakewalk, partially because that term is more ambiguous than Sandusky's morals. Everyone opts to exist in this vaguely gray area which allows them to basically sleep with anyone they want and pull the "we were never official" card if they get called out. That notwithstanding it's easy to surround yourself with people who are into the same things as you, be it sports teams, sororities, fraternities, or possibly the ever riveting quidditch... way to be William & Mary. If for some reason nobody appeals to you in the circles run in day to day, fear not. With patience comes prosperity and in no time flat you'll have the opportunity to dive head first into the hormonally charged circus that is college on the weekends... which typically starts on Wednesday.

From there it's basically fishing with dynamite.

After 10 games of civil war and few long island iced teas you can't resist the girl at the other end of the bar with most of her teeth screaming a horrifying rendition of TLC's "No Scrubs", butchering all the words while wrist deep in cheese fries. Mom would be so proud.

Then 4 years, and $100,000 of mom and dad's money later, you're forced to walk across the stage and renounce your old ways. You abandon a world of cheap alcohol, where irresponsibility is passed off as "finding yourself". The proverbial music stops and you're all of a sudden expected to pay bills, wear pants, and actually know the name of girl you slept with last night. What is that about?

You do what you're supposed to do and get a job, and each and every day you wonder how in the hell you're supposed to meet anyone interesting. Apparently the business world isn't exactly what Mad Men made it out to be. My secretary isn't nearly that promiscuous.

Inconceivable!

You've got to choose from the pool you're swimming in, and while when discouraged your friends will opine "there's plenty of fish in the sea", if you work at the wrong business it could be a sea full of carp. Nevertheless there's a chance you'll get lucky, and the cute one in the office next to you finally gets your name right, and you guys hit it off. But wait, you don't want your coworkers to know. How embarrassing will it be if these 80 people that you don't give two shits about know that you... you know... have sex! Much less with someone else in the office! They'll all think so much less of you. What a harlot!

Inevitably, while trying to hide your scarlet letter from the people who you see every waking day of your life, you make it infinitely more obvious that there is, in fact, something going on, and after about 12 seconds of painfully awkward interaction, everyone in the office can tell you exactly who it's going on with.

Don't worry, I've come up with a solution for you, and present to you 5 bulletproof ways to make sure that nobody, not even the love child of Columbo and Sherlock Holmes, suspects a thing.

Eye Contact - At no point, I repeat, no point, should you ever make eye contact with the person you've been sleeping with. In fact, your best bet is to go so far as to divert your eyes from them at all times. Your co-workers will just assume that you guys have never met and therefore couldn't possibly be doing the horizontal tango.

Public Interaction - This ones easy. Avoid it. Like Kim Kardashian avoids dignity. When the opportunity presents itself to go out together don't take the bait. This "group of friends" that you guys always hang out with is just a quorum of people waiting to unlock your secrets. Don't let them lure you in. Stay vigilant.

Diversion - As soon as anyone brings up the name of your office romance, quickly turn the tables back on them and accuse them of sleeping with a co-worker. This is a tried and true diversion tactic and 60% of the time it works every time. Adeptly take the heat off of yourself, and focus it onto the person sitting next to you. They'll never see it coming!

2nd Grade Flirting - This is the commonly agreed upon best way to throw your other co-workers off the scent. Make sure to take careful, well thought out measures to act like you absolutely hate the one person you're getting it on with. Go out of your way to make them look stupid, to prove to everyone around you that they aren't nearly worthy of your nakedness. Everyone will quickly believe that you actually despise each other and they'll never be any the wiser.

Exit Strategy - So far so good. The entire night you've made 0 eye contact, ignored each other 98% of the time though when forced to interact all you've done is comment on one another's shortcomings, and you've accused your team member of sleeping with the secretary. All the pieces are in place. Nobody has any clue that you two are going to leave together. The coast is clear. The only way to get out clean is to giggle and make as much of a scene as possible, tell everyone that she is simply giving you a ride home and then sprint for the door before anyone can question you. Everyone knows you don't want to pass up a free ride home, so they'll assume you're being responsible.

You've done it! You've successfully deflected all suspicion that you are having an office fling! You're the Thomas Crowne of intra-office fraternization. You should be very proud of yourself. They just put a dead bolt on the storage room... might as well go celebrate!