Tuesday, July 24, 2012

Not so Happy Valley


So after a mini-rant to Price, I decided to make my second appearance as a guest writer for his blog.  While I usually comment on a random story I find online, the story about Happy Valley, (what’s the definition of irony?), has me on my soap box – one that you’ll likely want to punt across the room when I’m done.  This isn’t a breakdown of the case or the evidence presented, but simply my immediate reaction to the sanctions issued by the NCAA. Surprisingly enough the aftermath actually has me believing the NCAA did something right.  Allow me to be very clear for all the Pennsylvanian’s in the audience… THIS ISN’T A BREAKDOWN OF THE CASE JUST MY REACTION TO THE NCAA.

I’ve been following this story for some time now and will admit that at first glance, before the Freeh report, trials, and interviews – I felt sympathy for Joe Paterno.  A man that has meant so much to college football and has been the face of a UNIVERSITY, let alone a football program, gave 70% of his life, (61 years at Penn State), and now has had his legacy tarnished because of the actions of another.  Then as the layers of the story were slowly peeled back regarding the child abuse and the subsequent blind eye turned by those in power at Penn State, any sympathy that was felt for old JoePa went out the window.

On July 23rd the NCAA ruled that PSU will have to pay 60 million dollars in fines (equivalent to the amount of annual revenue brought in by the football program), to be paid over a 4 year period, face a 4 year postseason ban, (and let’s be serious – it’ll be longer than that with the huge stain on the program and university), and vacate all wins since 1998, totaling 112.  Along with these sanctions, football scholarships are being stripped over a 4 year period which will ultimately cap the PSU program at 65 scholarships. 

This is usually not the case with the NCAA but…

I think they actually got this one right.

While there will eventually come a time when the words “college football”, “Penn State University”, and  “scandal” aren’t inexorably linked; it will always be something woven into the fabric of the NCAA.  Think about it this way, remember when you were a kid and you spilled grape juice on the couch knowing damn well your mom told you not to have drinks in the family room? What did you do? I was crafty and I just flipped the couch cushion… No-one ever saw the stain.  It didn’t fix the problem, but it definitely kept my mom from wanting to go upside my head.  The NCAA is flipping the proverbial couch cushion in order to try to move forward.

So by now that you’ve had ample time to stew you’re probably asking, “But Preston, what about current and former players? Aren’t they being punished for the crimes that they had no part in?” Of course they are receiving the backlash.  When sweeping change needs to be made there are people who will be marginalized.  Take a look at the business world – poor leadership at C-level positions leads to companies going bankrupt or massive layoffs of people who did nothing but show up to work 5-days a week.  

The penalty levied by the NCAA is necessary.  The people who covered up these crimes were those in powerful positions at PSU, so the punishment must have real effect against the University.  The football program? Just happens to be where the cover up lied.  Poor leadership leads to ships being sunk.  Jerry Sandusky, JoePa, Graham Spanier (University President), Tim Curley (AD), and Gary Schultz (University VP) are the ones responsible for putting a football program above all else and now the university is paying for it.

Current players have the freedom to leave – without penalty to their eligibility – to continue their college football careers elsewhere.  Former players will miss out on 112 total wins.  While those are no longer recognized by the NCAA, players know about the milestones they accomplished on the field.  College is a major 4 years of your life, but it should not make your life.  The vast majority of players, (most of us go pro in something other than sports, right?) move onto much greater things – professionally, academically, in relationships, etc – and don’t base their lives on events between the ages of 18-22 [with that being said I feel deeply for those like Adam Taliaffero – who was paralyzed – no longer has his final victory recognized as it is something he has a reminder of everyday].  Vacating these wins was intended to strip JoePa of the title of all-time NCAA wins leader and rightfully so.  Just as his statue was removed, his name should also be removed from the top of the record books.  His once legendary name, which used to conjure up memories of his on field achievements, the ageless JoePa jogging out in Happy Valley with men young enough to be his great grandchildren loyally in tow, is now infamously synonymous with scandal and child abuse. 

Penn State has suffered a devastating fall from the summit of college football.  What was once a traditional NCAA powerhouse, one of the most prestigious programs of all-time wrought with tradition of honor and toughness, is now a poster child for a defunct leadership and indefensible criminal activity.  With hard falls, come many casualties.  But remember that this was caused by the leadership of Penn State putting a football program before the reputation of the university and the safety of young boys over the span of 15 years. No penalty can be strong enough to reverse the damage done to these kids, but at least the NCAA did right in punishing the university.  Maybe next time in a situation like this the “leadership” will think twice before putting their cash cow before the safety of a child.

Saturday, July 21, 2012

Strength & Loyalty


There is always something to complain about... and we always seem to find it. We as humans are instinctively glass half empty creatures, routinely failing to recognize & celebrate the good in our lives, instead dramatizing & sensationalizing the morbid.

It isn't to say that it's our fault, or that anyone or anything is to blame for our myopic nature, but day after day we can't help but make our "problems" the center of the universe, and each step that isn't in line with our plan is an absolute catastrophe.

We as humans frame the world based on our experiences within it, and it all comes down to a matter of perspective, and the relative importance you assign to each and every little action and interaction that in summation make up your life. There's no formula for this. There's no right or wrong.

But there are certain moments... snapshots that you will never forget... that, whether you like it or not, will change and shape the way you view the world, and forever alter how you fit inside it.

When I was younger I always associated strength with my father - a man who could do anything. Dad's are mythical figures aren’t they? They can fix anything, tangible or otherwise. Anything from a referral in school to a blown gasket in your shitty Daewoo, dad can fix it.

As I got a little older, and became more indoctrinated into the sports world, strength was all about physicality and brute force. It was about constantly asserting and reiterating your dominance, overtly showing how much heavy shit you could lift, or how easy it was for you to now kick the ass of the bully who used to give you wedgies.

Those were the measures of being strong. Until the age of 16 that's how life was framed for me. That's where my focus was.

But then I had my moment.

You would never think to associate strength with the image of a normal high school student simply walking into school after a round of chemo. And even as he starts to wilt physically you can never get him to admit that he's was feeling any different. You wouldn't think of a bald 3 year old girl smiling and humming as the nurse draws her blood for the thousandth time. You wouldn't think of the parents of these kids who are instantly willing to do absolutely whatever it takes to see their child healthy again. You forget about the siblings and all the other family members who offer encouragement and support and spend countless dollars and hours to make sure they are present and accounted for when they're needed, if only to tell a joke or say hello.

But then you see it unfold right before your eyes. You have a moment when you look at your childhood friend, or your mother, your father, your teammate, your roommate...and even though on the outside they look totally different, you know that same lively person is still energized inside. You ask them how they're doing, and you know, you know, the only thing they want to do is give up but they say "I'm good man" and flash a smile. It's at that moment you recognize what real strength is.

It’s at that moment you recognize how important loyalty is.

You realize that there are few people in this world who you can truly count on, and no matter how tired you are it's your responsibility to spend the night in the hospital or to drive 2 hours just to check in for a couple minutes. Why? Because you have that feeling somewhere inside you and you know beyond a reasonable doubt that they would do it for you. You begin to feel a combination of childish and guilty for the stupid shit you complain about, but at the same time you are gifted a surprising degree of clarity which if properly deployed will change everything about how you see the world.

I've never been seriously ill... and I thank the Lord for that. But that I do have more experience than I would like having to sit on the sidelines as people I care about are put to the test.

You’ll never get better insight into how devoted someone actually is to their friend than when they are really needed. I don’t mean an elaborate escape route from a bad hook up, or an extra $1.84 to supersize, I mean when they are unexpectedly called upon by a friend in need. You’re presented an unimpeded view of some of the deplorable things that seemingly good people will do at the expense of people they call their friends. What the general public might see as wonderful service is in too many cases an under handed ploy for glory. A search for sympathy because yes, it's hard to watch your friends go through trying times, or the facade of being charitable when in at the end of the day you’re mongering for credit and attention. It bastardizes and degrades the hard work that you've done and the sickeningly transparent display selfishly detracts from your friend, the one actually in need of support.

I can't begin to express how inspired I am by the millions of people, the select few who I know well and the countless others, who have, or are currently putting up incredible fights each and every day, on a level that I don't pretend to comprehend. Quite frankly it's disheartening to see that people will attempt to use the misfortune of others, of people they call their friends, to propagate their own agendas.

If you're in the midst of a struggle, keep your head up. If you know someone who is fighting, let them know how proud you are of them. Put your own ego aside and remember what's really important. Let them curse, let them cry, let them vent, because at the end of the day it's not about you. Who cares if people know all the work you've done, or if you get kudos for being a good friend. At the end of the day the only reward you should need is the look on your buddy's face, and the look on the face of the family, when he receives a clean bill of health. There's no amount of pats on the ass worth more than that.



Monday, July 2, 2012

Waking Up as an Adult

Don't we all wish that we could be kids again? Waking up to the peaceful jostling of your mother, or even better, rising under your own volition at 10:30 am because let's face it, you've got nowhere to be.

As you continue to age, mornings carry different challenges, different responsibilities. Frosted Flakes are traded in for coffee or some gay sounding, overpriced Starbucks latte, cartoons are replaced by the news, and the school bus is kicked to the curb in favor of whatever shitty car you can afford as a 20 something drowning in post collegiate debt. Geo Prism sounds nice.

It's a shame how the same couple of hours become so different, so much worse, the older we get. When you really think about it...

Even school days as a kid weren't so bad -
7:15 - Man no alarm? This is almost too easy. Which Adidas track suit should I wear today? Does Jenny like green? Do I even like girls?
7:25 - Whatever. Green it is.
7:30 - Velcro shoes are the shit.
7:40 - I could seriously live off of cereal.
7:45 - Good look mom. Solid lunch. Gogurt and Capri Sun?! It's gonna be a good day!
7:50 - Might as well take a leisurely stroll out to the bus stop. I'm ready to roll.

You made it through another arduous week of elementary school. Long division, that weird side burns janitor trying to steal your milk, and the kid with the rec specs peed again during the dodgeball game. No matter, it's time for the weekend. I wonder...

How much fun can I pack into 2 days?! -
5:30 - Just getting up to pee. Not bothered that it's so early. I can certainly go back to sleep instantly.
8:00 - Ahhhh. I feel refreshed.
8:15 - I took a little longer than usual to get out of bed today. Wonder what kind of cereal we've got in the kitchen?
8:20 - Reese's Puffs?! Apple Jacks?! Frosted Mini Wheats!? The possibilities are literally endless!
8:30 - Holy shit... a TMNT marathon! Mom! Are you seeing this!?
11:00 - Alright I guess I should wrangle up some of the neighborhood kids and go play outside. But if Randy tells me I can't be the red ranger again I'm gonna whoop his braces having ass.

Middle school wasn't so bad, and in high school I got my license and discovered skipping, but still made it out with a respectable first period attendance record. The undiscovered world of college is fast approaching and about a week in I realized...

It gets harder and harder to wake up for optional education -
7:30 - Class isn't until 9? What was I thinking? Morning workout? Ambitious... Snooze. I can get up at 8:30 and still get there on time.
7:40 - Should have set it to more than 10 minutes...
7:50 - God damnit...
8:00 - Son of a bitch. I'm just going to reset this thing until 8:30. I'll be fine.
8:30 - One more snooze.
8:40 - Fuck it I don't really have to go to this class anyway.
10:00 - Might as well get up and eat.
10:15 - Call of Duty or class...?
10:16 - Call of Duty.

Whew. Those college school weeks are killers. All I have to say is...

Cheers to the freakin' weekend -
2:45 - Hmm. I should probably go to bed and not booty call one of my exes...
2:47 - ... Oops
8:00 - I wish that Skid Row tribute band would stop playing in my head.
8:10 - Please tell me I just got really sweaty last night...
8:12 - ... Nope.
8:15 - Oh what the -- what the hell is she doing here?!
8:16 - ... Oh right
8:20 - Deny, deny, deny.
8:30 - I can't believe she bought that... I should probably wash these sheets.
8:45 - Back to bed. 
1:00 - Sit down in the shower.
1:30 - Oh really funny hell hot water heater...
1:45 - Run errands and clean up or Super Smash Brothers...?
1:46 - Super Smash Brothers.

Whew I finally made it. I'll tell you what I'm actually kind of happy college is over. On to making money and doing big things...

Wait what? Attendance is mandatory?!

And why the hell is it that as soon as you hit the real world you'll consistently wake up about 25 minutes before your alarm goes off, making it way too early to consider actually getting up but affording you no time to go back to sleep? Is this really...

What the next 30 years are like - 
6:35 - Oh &*!!!@%& seriously!?
7:00 - Help me Jesus.
7:15 - Don't pretend like you don't sit down to pee... it increases blood flow shut up.
7:20 - I should maybe take a shower.
7:30 - These clothes will do.
7:32 - This shirt smells like beer and shame.
7:33 - It matters that I wore this twice last week.
7:35 - Where the hell are my keys?
7:36 - Right pocket. Excellent
7:37 - Cool. Work ID is MIA again.
7:42 - Did I close the garage?
7:50 - No! No you don't have to signal to make that turn it's just a damn bend in the road.
7:51 - Bet it's a woman.
7:53 - Asian woman...
7:57 - Oh right. No ID. Better awkwardly chase this lady through the front door.
8:01 - Initiate stealth mode... almost there... Pretend like I've been here for at least 15 minutes.
8:10 - Yeah Sharon I'll tell you what you can do with that growth projection...
8:15 - This is unbearable. I just want to take a nap. People do this for multiple years?
8:30 - Work or text twist...?
8:31 - Text twist.

Finally. Friday at 5. The absolute best time of the week. And we got a bonus this quarter!? I can't think of anything better than blowing it on all overpriced alcohol and Mexican food! Holy shit it turns out that...

I don't bounce back like I used to - 
7:45 - Please tell me this is a horrible dream.
7:53 - I'm an adult. I can manage.
7:55 - Nope. Sure can't
10:00 - Ok I'm really gonna get up this time.
10:15 - Wow. That last tequila shot is going to make a comeback.
10:20 - ... I don't remember eating that.
10:25 - Wonder if I can still get into a college cafeteria for breakfast?
10:40 - What the fu--- is that my tab?!
10:45 - False alarm... Phone #. Turns out I lost my wallet anyway.
11:00 - Thought maybe that was a girl's number... "Rodney" answered.
11:05 - Can't... Reach... The... Couch.
11:30 - Where is my car?
1:30 - Whew. Solid nap. Maybe I'll run to work to get my car. It's only about a mile.
1:32 - ... Don't remember eating that either.
1:33 - Fuck this I'll get a ride to work tomorrow.
 
We adults need to come up with a way to make every morning suck a little bit less, a way to recapture that youthful exuberance that father time slowly steals from us year after year.

The sad truth is we're not getting any younger, and from the looks of things our mornings are only set to get shittier until our annoying ass kids finally turn 18, fly the coup, and head off to college, jail, or the military... I'm sure at that point these are all welcome options. Let's try and find the good in the years of hangovers and pointless meetings before they are replaced by overflowing diapers and PTO meetings.

Bathroom Etiquette for Men

In the world of men there are rules that we guys learn as we get older. They aren't written anywhere, they are barely even spoken of, much like Fight Club... however we all know they exist and that they are undeniably important to the stability of the dominant gender... I mean... we're equal.

However there's one small part of the male world where the rules are a bit hazy. Where there are no finite guidelines on how to conduct yourself. And with so many mitigating factors how is a guy to know in a split second whether or not he is in accordance with the unspoken XY chromosomal code?

Yes. High level stuff. I am talking about... the bathroom. The only place we men can go to escape the rigors of a women filled world and enter the only remaining universe where the browns actually do make it to the super bowl.

So what do you do when the chips, and your pants, are down?

It's about time these rules are written. There needs to be a cohesive set of guidelines that we all can abide by to ensure that we can all ride the porcelain bus devoid of misery and embarrassment.

1. Control the giggles - No matter how old or outwardly mature we men are, for some reason when the guy next to you is having a Jeff Daniels in Dumb & Dumber esque moment, it's literally impossible not to laugh. Impossible. But it's a breach of the code to take pleasure in you noisy neighbor's bowel misfortune One day after that extra burrito grande that could AND will be you...
https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjqtuaXSA8BwFRre0mtqg9D6eLGfNhwp069Ri6n2g3JXANWQVcHCea2shfTEcyA4YXy-RUl5BtwTIgCyCDOuzPrnL3BQkgR5JcWf7OVAg9a9fb4NHfFi2aZhfUFIl5Qnyx4s0tIzRcNRPsE/s400/adjacent-urinal.jpg
Ummmmm...

2. Personal Space - This is the golden rule of the men's room. If you walk into the bathroom with multiple urinals and someone is already whistling blissfully while draining the lizard, don't you dare post up right next to him and rub elbows while you unzip. The absolute only time this rule can be broken is in either a dire emergency or if the bathroom is super crowded. Sometimes you just gotta get in where you fit in but under normal circumstances there should be a urinal length in between your streams at all times. Unless you find yourself in a situation like this... crossfire?

3. Don't Be That Guy - Dear person who sees a set of 3 urinals and though none of the others are occupied... picks the middle one. Kill yourself.

4. Keep 'Em Up - I don't know if this is a generational thing, but why in the hell do old men occasionally pull their pants all the way down when standing at the urinals? Having your old wrinkled ass air drying inches away from another guys junk is just the poorest of poor form.

5. Quiet Time - Gentlemen, less is more. The bathroom is not the time to make casual conversation with exposed strangers. "Hey man, nice stream" is never a good way to start a relationship. You're not at all obligated to talk to the guy next to you even though across the hall you can hear every girl in the women's bathroom screaming about the Pottery Barn semi-annual sale. Just zip it... (see what I did there?)

6. Wandering Eyes -Some bathrooms have it figured out. The urinals with the little logos in them, (logo = target), or the ones that have the long, unnecessary explanations at eye level about how they are "low flow"... like anyone really cares. These are all mechanisms developed by guys to keep their eyes from wandering. Relax ladies, we aren't all in there just staring at each others bait and tackle. But every guy has had that moment where you're peeing and just looking around, appreciating the carefully selected decor of the bathroom, and fall victim to your peripherals. The same peripherals you use to scout in the club are the same finely tuned tools that give you nightmares about your VP of sales. Just keep your eyes forward and concentrate on the task at hand.

7. Dreaded Trough Urinal - This is actually a step below just peeing in the woods. At least when a group of guys go into the woods they pick different trees, or for the most part try and get out of their buddy's line of fire. Granted there is always the kid who picks the patch of poison ivy, but that's a risk you have to be willing to take. The trough urinal provides no buffer whatsoever, and inevitably you'll be in a situation where someone really has to pee and there is just enough space between you and your friend to fit one more guy... so what do you do? Do you make the quick shuffle to close the gap and then end up peeing shoulder to shoulder with your friend? Or just simply widen your stance and test the dedication of the newcomer? The trough urinal is a conundrum the male world has yet to fully decipher.

Bonus Round: Emergency Women's Bathroom Run - Bottom line men: when nature calls, you have to answer, and you can only wait so long to pick up the call before the voicemail ruins your dockers. Once you give in and break the seal it's all downhill from there, and sometimes the line is just too long and that last Jaeger bomb is prone to create an Old Faithful scenario. Protocol is much like crossing the street... Look left. Look right. Go for it. Make sure once you're in there you pee sitting down, as to confuse the one lady who walks in and buy yourself at least a few seconds until she inevitably calls security. Hopefully you're done by then so you don't have to pinch it while being dragged out by a meathead named Lenny.

Who could have possibly predicted that so much thought would go into an action seemingly so rudimentary, in fact one that is forced upon us by mother nature. It seems a cruel trick that this omnipotent woman would make a full bladder so painful when she knows damn well that public urination is not only frowned upon on public transportation... but is also in fact illegal. What a bitch.

Zip it up... and zip it out.