Don't we all wish that we could be kids again? Waking up to the peaceful jostling of your mother, or even better, rising under your own volition at 10:30 am because let's face it, you've got nowhere to be.
As you continue to age, mornings carry different challenges, different responsibilities. Frosted Flakes are traded in for coffee or some gay sounding, overpriced Starbucks latte, cartoons are replaced by the news, and the school bus is kicked to the curb in favor of whatever shitty car you can afford as a 20 something drowning in post collegiate debt. Geo Prism sounds nice.
It's a shame how the same couple of hours become so different, so much worse, the older we get. When you really think about it...
Even school days as a kid weren't so bad -
7:15 - Man no alarm? This is almost too easy. Which Adidas track suit should I wear today? Does Jenny like green? Do I even like girls?
7:25 - Whatever. Green it is.
7:30 - Velcro shoes are the shit.
7:40 - I could seriously live off of cereal.
7:45 - Good look mom. Solid lunch. Gogurt and Capri Sun?! It's gonna be a good day!
7:50 - Might as well take a leisurely stroll out to the bus stop. I'm ready to roll.
You made it through another arduous week of elementary school. Long division, that weird side burns janitor trying to steal your milk, and the kid with the rec specs peed again during the dodgeball game. No matter, it's time for the weekend. I wonder...
How much fun can I pack into 2 days?! -
5:30 - Just getting up to pee. Not bothered that it's so early. I can certainly go back to sleep instantly.
8:00 - Ahhhh. I feel refreshed.
8:15 - I took a little longer than usual to get out of bed today. Wonder what kind of cereal we've got in the kitchen?
8:20 - Reese's Puffs?! Apple Jacks?! Frosted Mini Wheats!? The possibilities are literally endless!
8:30 - Holy shit... a TMNT marathon! Mom! Are you seeing this!?
11:00 - Alright I guess I should wrangle up some of the neighborhood kids and go play outside. But if Randy tells me I can't be the red ranger again I'm gonna whoop his braces having ass.
Middle school wasn't so bad, and in high school I got my license and discovered skipping, but still made it out with a respectable first period attendance record. The undiscovered world of college is fast approaching and about a week in I realized...
It gets harder and harder to wake up for optional education -
7:30 - Class isn't until 9? What was I thinking? Morning workout? Ambitious... Snooze. I can get up at 8:30 and still get there on time.
7:40 - Should have set it to more than 10 minutes...
7:50 - God damnit...
8:00 - Son of a bitch. I'm just going to reset this thing until 8:30. I'll be fine.
8:30 - One more snooze.
8:40 - Fuck it I don't really have to go to this class anyway.
10:00 - Might as well get up and eat.
10:15 - Call of Duty or class...?
10:16 - Call of Duty.
Whew. Those college school weeks are killers. All I have to say is...
Cheers to the freakin' weekend -
2:45 - Hmm. I should probably go to bed and not booty call one of my exes...
2:47 - ... Oops
8:00 - I wish that Skid Row tribute band would stop playing in my head.
8:10 - Please tell me I just got really sweaty last night...
8:12 - ... Nope.
8:15 - Oh what the -- what the hell is she doing here?!
8:16 - ... Oh right
8:20 - Deny, deny, deny.
8:30 - I can't believe she bought that... I should probably wash these sheets.
8:45 - Back to bed.
1:00 - Sit down in the shower.
1:30 - Oh really funny hell hot water heater...
1:45 - Run errands and clean up or Super Smash Brothers...?
1:46 - Super Smash Brothers.
Whew I finally made it. I'll tell you what I'm actually kind of happy college is over. On to making money and doing big things...
Wait what? Attendance is mandatory?!
And why the hell is it that as soon as you hit the real world you'll consistently wake up about 25 minutes before your alarm goes off, making it way too early to consider actually getting up but affording you no time to go back to sleep? Is this really...
What the next 30 years are like -
6:35 - Oh &*!!!@%& seriously!?
7:00 - Help me Jesus.
7:15 - Don't pretend like you don't sit down to pee... it increases blood flow shut up.
7:20 - I should maybe take a shower.
7:30 - These clothes will do.
7:32 - This shirt smells like beer and shame.
7:33 - It matters that I wore this twice last week.
7:35 - Where the hell are my keys?
7:36 - Right pocket. Excellent
7:37 - Cool. Work ID is MIA again.
7:42 - Did I close the garage?
7:50 - No! No you don't have to signal to make that turn it's just a damn bend in the road.
7:51 - Bet it's a woman.
7:53 - Asian woman...
7:57 - Oh right. No ID. Better awkwardly chase this lady through the front door.
8:01 - Initiate stealth mode... almost there... Pretend like I've been here for at least 15 minutes.
8:10 - Yeah Sharon I'll tell you what you can do with that growth projection...
8:15 - This is unbearable. I just want to take a nap. People do this for multiple years?
8:30 - Work or text twist...?
8:31 - Text twist.
Finally. Friday at 5. The absolute best time of the week. And we got a bonus this quarter!? I can't think of anything better than blowing it on all overpriced alcohol and Mexican food! Holy shit it turns out that...
I don't bounce back like I used to -
7:45 - Please tell me this is a horrible dream.
7:53 - I'm an adult. I can manage.
7:55 - Nope. Sure can't
10:00 - Ok I'm really gonna get up this time.
10:15 - Wow. That last tequila shot is going to make a comeback.
10:20 - ... I don't remember eating that.
10:25 - Wonder if I can still get into a college cafeteria for breakfast?
10:40 - What the fu--- is that my tab?!
10:45 - False alarm... Phone #. Turns out I lost my wallet anyway.
11:00 - Thought maybe that was a girl's number... "Rodney" answered.
11:05 - Can't... Reach... The... Couch.
11:30 - Where is my car?
1:30 - Whew. Solid nap. Maybe I'll run to work to get my car. It's only about a mile.
1:32 - ... Don't remember eating that either.
1:33 - Fuck this I'll get a ride to work tomorrow.
We adults need to come up with a way to make every morning suck a little bit less, a way to recapture that youthful exuberance that father time slowly steals from us year after year.
The sad truth is we're not getting any younger, and from the looks of things our mornings are only set to get shittier until our annoying ass kids finally turn 18, fly the coup, and head off to college, jail, or the military... I'm sure at that point these are all welcome options. Let's try and find the good in the years of hangovers and pointless meetings before they are replaced by overflowing diapers and PTO meetings.
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