Bathroom Etiquette for Men

In the world of men there are rules that we guys learn as we get older. They aren't written anywhere, they are barely even spoken of, much like Fight Club... however we all know they exist and that they are undeniably important to the stability of the dominant gender... I mean... we're equal.

However there's one small part of the male world where the rules are a bit hazy. Where there are no finite guidelines on how to conduct yourself. And with so many mitigating factors how is a guy to know in a split second whether or not he is in accordance with the unspoken XY chromosomal code?

Yes. High level stuff. I am talking about... the bathroom. The only place we men can go to escape the rigors of a women filled world and enter the only remaining universe where the browns actually do make it to the super bowl.

So what do you do when the chips, and your pants, are down?

It's about time these rules are written. There needs to be a cohesive set of guidelines that we all can abide by to ensure that we can all ride the porcelain bus devoid of misery and embarrassment.

1. Control the giggles - No matter how old or outwardly mature we men are, for some reason when the guy next to you is having a Jeff Daniels in Dumb & Dumber esque moment, it's literally impossible not to laugh. Impossible. But it's a breach of the code to take pleasure in you noisy neighbor's bowel misfortune One day after that extra burrito grande that could AND will be you...

Ummmmm...

2. Personal Space - This is the golden rule of the men's room. If you walk into the bathroom with multiple urinals and someone is already whistling blissfully while draining the lizard, don't you dare post up right next to him and rub elbows while you unzip. The absolute only time this rule can be broken is in either a dire emergency or if the bathroom is super crowded. Sometimes you just gotta get in where you fit in but under normal circumstances there should be a urinal length in between your streams at all times. Unless you find yourself in a situation like this... crossfire?

3. Don't Be That Guy - Dear person who sees a set of 3 urinals and though none of the others are occupied... picks the middle one. Kill yourself.

4. Keep 'Em Up - I don't know if this is a generational thing, but why in the hell do old men occasionally pull their pants all the way down when standing at the urinals? Having your old wrinkled ass air drying inches away from another guys junk is just the poorest of poor form.

5. Quiet Time - Gentlemen, less is more. The bathroom is not the time to make casual conversation with exposed strangers. "Hey man, nice stream" is never a good way to start a relationship. You're not at all obligated to talk to the guy next to you even though across the hall you can hear every girl in the women's bathroom screaming about the Pottery Barn semi-annual sale. Just zip it... (see what I did there?)

6. Wandering Eyes -Some bathrooms have it figured out. The urinals with the little logos in them, (logo = target), or the ones that have the long, unnecessary explanations at eye level about how they are "low flow"... like anyone really cares. These are all mechanisms developed by guys to keep their eyes from wandering. Relax ladies, we aren't all in there just staring at each others bait and tackle. But every guy has had that moment where you're peeing and just looking around, appreciating the carefully selected decor of the bathroom, and fall victim to your peripherals. The same peripherals you use to scout in the club are the same finely tuned tools that give you nightmares about your VP of sales. Just keep your eyes forward and concentrate on the task at hand.

7. Dreaded Trough Urinal - This is actually a step below just peeing in the woods. At least when a group of guys go into the woods they pick different trees, or for the most part try and get out of their buddy's line of fire. Granted there is always the kid who picks the patch of poison ivy, but that's a risk you have to be willing to take. The trough urinal provides no buffer whatsoever, and inevitably you'll be in a situation where someone really has to pee and there is just enough space between you and your friend to fit one more guy... so what do you do? Do you make the quick shuffle to close the gap and then end up peeing shoulder to shoulder with your friend? Or just simply widen your stance and test the dedication of the newcomer? The trough urinal is a conundrum the male world has yet to fully decipher.

Bonus Round: Emergency Women's Bathroom Run - Bottom line men: when nature calls, you have to answer, and you can only wait so long to pick up the call before the voicemail ruins your dockers. Once you give in and break the seal it's all downhill from there, and sometimes the line is just too long and that last Jaeger bomb is prone to create an Old Faithful scenario. Protocol is much like crossing the street... Look left. Look right. Go for it. Make sure once you're in there you pee sitting down, as to confuse the one lady who walks in and buy yourself at least a few seconds until she inevitably calls security. Hopefully you're done by then so you don't have to pinch it while being dragged out by a meathead named Lenny.

Who could have possibly predicted that so much thought would go into an action seemingly so rudimentary, in fact one that is forced upon us by mother nature. It seems a cruel trick that this omnipotent woman would make a full bladder so painful when she knows damn well that public urination is not only frowned upon on public transportation... but is also in fact illegal. What a bitch.

Zip it up... and zip it out.