Best of 2011

It's finally over. Another year in the books. And while it's American tradition to try your hardest not to remember the last night of any given year it's always fun to look back on the 365 days that have come and gone. 2011 was chalked full of celebrity scandals, musical and cinematic breakthroughs, and Governor Weiner's... wiener. Now that I think about it 2011 was a banner year for self crotch shots. 

Anywho, as with any other year it's important to reminisce on the moments that captivated us, to remember the best of the year that was. Here's what made 2011 special. 

Best Movie - I'm just going to say what everyone is thinking. 2011 was a shitty year for movies. We were spoiled in 2010 with Inception, The Dark Knight, Avatar, and Shutter Island, to name a few. Hollywood followed that with movies about wizards, necrophiliacs, and sequels that just should have never been made. Yes I'm looking at you Hangover 2. Even as I write this I am scanning Rotten Tomatoes for anything halfway decent and cringed when "Leap Year" was in their top 10. Fuck it. Let's hope Hollywood can rebound in 2012. 


Bad start...

Best Male Artist - As bad as movies sucked in 2011 male artists weren't far behind. I was actually just told that 2011 was the "year of the female". Ew. But amidst the terrible albums and singles the tallest midget emerged in the form of square framed glasses and white guy afros. LMFAO wins this war of attrition solely on the popularity of "Party Rock Anthem", topping the charts and landing them a few endorsement deals, most notably a fantastic Kia commercial with dancing hamsters and a horrible NBA commercial only saved by 2 appearances by Emmanuelle Chriqui. Congrats on sucking the least.


Someone did something good in 2011 I promise.

Best Female Artist - Soon to be single Katy Perry continued to impress in 2011 with five #1 singles to her name as well as an undeniably awesome album cover. Whether or not you admit to liking Perry's stuff or how cool you want to seem amongst your bros, you undoubtedly know almost all the words to her immensely catchy songs. I'm sure a few of you are going to try and make a case for Adele. Ehh. Katy Perry's hotter. Case closed. 

Get With It America!

Best Invention - Is that not the coolest shit ever? Seriously Asia is just better than we are. 2011, for as crappy as it was on many fronts, did prove to be a solid year for technological breakthroughs. With roads becoming increasingly packed the straddling bus is the wave of the future in China, and hopefully worldwide. The US will probably never take to it because we are so attached to our Chevy's and Ford F-150s, but at least we adopted the iPhone. Baby steps America... Baby steps.

Best Sports Team - Do I have a strong soccer bias? Maybe. But whether or not you like the sport is inconsequential. The hope that the Japenese Women's National Team brought to a country ravaged by mother nature is nothing short of remarkable. Being an American, and on the losing end of the tournament you can't begrudge the Japanese a second of celebration. They wanted it more. They needed it more. Returning home with that trophy sparked a fit of national pride like I have never seen before and is truly a testament to the worldwide power of soccer. 

Best Male Athlete - LeBron choked in the finals, every decent baseball player is on drugs and I don't know anything about hockey, so it comes down to Dirk vs. Rodgers. I'm going to have to side with the German. Dirk led the Mavs to their first NBA title in franchise history with a supporting cast of B and C listers... and Brendan Haywood. The punch line of many a NBA joke. Take nothing away from the non steroided A-Rod, his performances were stellar, but with the help of Donald Driver, the franchises all time leader in receptions, and an air tight defense led by Clay Matthews' hair and the mountain that is B.J. Raji, his achievements don't quite stack up. 

Best Female Athlete - This sort of seems like a no brainer especially considering I can't even really name another iconic women's athlete. Seeing as the US Women's National Team is rightly the team of the year, it is only fitting that their best player and the face of their team is the athlete of the year. Not only did she rescue the US from certain elimination at the 11th hour versus Brazil but somehow captivated an entire nation which doesn't care about women's sports or soccer. Congratulations Abby Wambach for this totally meaningless distinction that you will never know you got. 

Best Celebrity Scandal - No I don't care that celebrities love to take pictures of themselves naked and "accidentally" have them leaked on the internet. No I don't care that almost every celebrity marriage ends in court with one spouse threatening the others life. No I don't care that Alec Baldwin bashed American Airlines on Twitter. That isn't scandalous. Scandalous is pedophiles sexually abusing kids at one of the most iconic college footballs institutions in the country and ruining the legacy of not only the school and the program, but the octogenarian coach who's name has become synonymous with college football but will now forever be inexorably linked with jerking off little boys. Hopefully Sandusky & Fine get their fair share of human booster shots.     

Best News Story - Osama Bin Laden Is Dead. The words rang out from news stations across America and across the Globe. New York's Times Square, an American icon, scrolled the poignant sentence across it's legendary marquee over and over again for millions to see. Social networks went wild as years of hunting, searching, and needlessly torching innocent Afghani's finally paid off. 

Best Commercial - Advertising at it's best. Towards the tail end of 2011 Google came out with a series of commercials illustrating all the things that you can do with the free Google offerings. "Dear Sophie" and Parisian Love not only show everything that the internet giant has to offer, not to mention how user friendly it is, but adds an indelible touch of emotion, just enough to make us say "awww". And then set up email accounts for our infant children.

Best Sports Game - It's becoming glaringly obvious combing through a years worth of events that 2011 was just downright boring. Where 2010 was rife with great music, great movies, and intriguing sporting events, 2011 was all dick pictures, celebrity deaths, and various forms of child abuse. To make this category work we had to mash a few games together. Kemba Walker's run through the Big East and NCAA tournaments was nothing short of spectacular. From the ankle breaking step back in the Big East quarterfinals, (it was on Pitt's center but still Gary McGee, son, see an orthopedist), to his staggering 271 post season points (about 24 a game) amassed in 381 out of a possible 445 minutes, Kemba did it all for the Huskies and was justly rewarded with a National Championship. 

Best Up & Coming Artist - The hefty Brit songstress Adele certainly made a name for herself in 2011, bursting on the scene with music that seems to transcend genre. No matter what style of music you prefer, the 23 year old's talent is undeniable. Plus America has always had a soft spot for overweight people who can sing. Welcome to the club Adele.

I Didn't Even Have To Hit Rihanna

Best Viral Video - There was one bright spot in 2011, and her name is Amy Heidemann. Who is this mystery person? Most of you probably know her as Karmin, viral video all-star, who burst on the scene with an astonishing, and possibly better than original version of Chris Brown's "Look At Me Now". Rapping the entire song sans profanity at break neck pace, the Berkeley alum solidified herself as hands down one of the most intriguing artists of the year. Cute white girl who can rap? Kryptonite. 52 million views, a live performance on Ellen and a record deal also followed. I want one. 

Best TV Show - If you don't know about Archer then you need to educate yourself. This was a tough call because of the immense popularity of Modern Family and Family Guy, along with some other super shitty shows that young adult women watch religiously. But in the end the FX original series takes the top spot. It's a clever combination of witty and vulgar, adeptly combining historical references and sex jokes. But if you find yourself too "mature" for a cartoon then hop on Netflix and check out Game of Thrones, Dexter, and Entourage. 

Best New TV Show - I do like Game of Thrones. Beheading and naked chicks. Recipe for male entertainment. The only issue with the HBO series' are that you have to keep up with them week to week or you have no idea what the hell is going on. For that simple fact I give the nod to MTVs Ridiculousness. First of all there isn't any music on MTV anymore. Let's just get that out of the way. So misnomer aside, Rob Dyrdek puts on a good show. And it's undeniable that watching other people injure themselves is almost a guaranteed laugh. Think back to the last time your idiot friend stumbled down the sidewalk and ran head first into a stop sign... you laughed. Imagine a half hour of that. Every week. Gold. 

Best Blog - Who doesn't love Huffington Post. A one stop shop for everything you need to be up on world news, sports, and celebrity gossip. Plus Arianna Huffington might be the first ever GILF on record. You're lying to if you say you don't find the 62 year old Greek at least somewhat attractive. Shame on you. 

This article is long enough as it is without take up more space to congratulate Rihanna on winning the punching bag of the year award. I'm kidding. Spousal abuse is no laughing matter. Put your hand down Ike, no she didn't deserve it. 


Tighten up America, we can do better in 2012. We already know that the new year will bring us another Dark Knight, and the end of human civilization. Let's also hope that is comes with less child abuse and dick pictures. 


Stay tuned for the year's worst and most embarrassing. HAPPY NEW YEAR!!!

God & Tebow

This has got to stop.

It's being written about everywhere, and even got to the point where someone asked me, as a Christian and as an athlete, well former athlete, what role I thought God played in sports. It's an interesting question, and one that warrants careful introspection and thought in order to produce an answer that doesn't sound outright ridiculous. 

I'm not going to tell you what I told them. I'm going to make up a funnier answer because the person who asked me the aforementioned question seemed uptight so I used more big words than usual or even necessary. But my basic theory remains constant.

God doesn't play a role in sports. Period.

There I said it. Sorry to all the Tebow haters and Steelers fans who want to blame his success on some sort of divine intervention. You guys didn't choke he's just better at praying than the rest of us. Get over yourselves and give the kid some credit. You got Tebowned.

I feel like I can make logical sense of this issue because I'm neutral in the Tebow debate. I was never a Gator fan so I don't have a hard on for him like everyone who has ever driven through Gainesville, a "Tebowner" if you will, nor do I support any other SEC school, or any other Florida institution for that matter, so I'm not programmed to be a Tebow hater, though I will admit it is all about the U.


Haha. Tebowner.

Recently, since ol' Timmy has been having consistent, albeit unexpected success as an NFL quarterback, bringing the all but irrelevant Broncos to the forefront of the AFC West and into the divisional round of the playoffs, people have begun inexplicably asking one of the dumbest questions one could ask, next to something regarding whether or not Rush Limbaugh has black relatives.

I swear I had something for that...

"Is God helping Tebow win games"?

Give me a fucking break.

The fact that Tim Tebow is more of a religious figure rather than an athletic one allows people to manipulate the the limitations of his football talent to testify to the potency of his faith. The fact that he'll be pathetic, bordering on hard to watch for 90% of the game, then somehow, in the 4th quarter magically remember he's a great athlete and save the day can only be explained by the fact that he isn't winning these games... God is.

I mean if it was just possible to absolutely suck ass for the majority of a game and then pull out miraculous victories without divine intervention Jordan Jefferson would have led LSU to the national championship right?

So let me ask you this. What about the guys who play for the Raiders who pray before games? Or the Steelers? Or any of the other teams who got hosed by Tebow in crunch time? Based on this theory God really hates them.

Do you actually believe that?

Let's dissect this. You're telling me that God, creator of heaven and earth, naked people and devious snakes, has nothing better to do with his time than choose favorites in sporting events?! Forget about all of the children dying in 3rd world countries or the minorities being persecuted all over the world. No no forget all that other urgent shit... God is really concerned with the NFL.

Do you feel stupid yet? Like Sarah Palin stupid? You should.

There is no correlation between religion and sports success, and it is undermining to the seriousness of religious practices for people to think that a diety is concerned with something as trivial as a game.

C'mon man, Ray Lewis is one of the best linebackers in NFL history. Juice is one of the best running backs ever... THEY BOTH KILLED PEOPLE! I'm 83% sure that flies in the face of Christian doctrine.

"But Price, I've watched your soccer games. As a matter of fact I've seen you pray before games. What the hell? Hypocrite."

Guilty. I do pray before I play sports. A quick couple seconds to myself before the craziness starts.

This actually serves to prove my point.

Never do I pray for victory. Doesn't that seem self righteous? "Hey God, I'm going to pray that my team wins, and so is my opponent, but I'm assuming that I'm just a better Christian than all the guys on the other end of the field so you'll intervene and take my side because they're all just a bunch of lousy sinners. Kthanksbye!" I pray for safety, for the opportunity to do what I love, for safe travel for my family who came to see me, all things which have no effect on the outcome of the contest.

And to Tebow's credit I don't think I've ever heard him thank God for helping him win a game. It's mostly the media and public verbal fellatio that is making him sound like a obsequious lunatic. He always talks about how he's humbled by the opportunity he has to play in the NFL and even the other night said that he was thankful for the "platform of professional football to help make a difference". Can't hate on that.

Making the ludicrous assertion that God has a hand in the results of sporting events also takes away from the hard work that the players have put in or absolves the players of control and builds in an excuse for either shitty plays or inexplicable moments of brilliance.

Thou Shalt Suck It Ike

It's ok Steelers fans...You didn't lose on Sunday. It's not Ike Taylor's fault that he habitually got torched by Demariyus Thomas. That's just how God intended for it to play out. It wasn't his fault, I mean he can't compete with the main upstairs. And Tebow. He's clearly still a bum, and the work he puts in on and off the field had nothing to do with his success against the league's best, albeit depleted defense... Yesterday's game just proves that he's just God's little buddy, not that he is in any way shape or form a talented football player.

The fact that Tim Tebow is an outspoken Christian and Merrill Hodge hates him has created a media frenzy that is debilitating the purposefulness of religion and quite frankly is driving sane people crazy because there has to be some other explanation for his success. Merrill Hodge also said Cam Newton wasn't going to "translate to the NFL". The man's opinion is obviously as useful as an Asian chaffeur...

Because Asians are terrible drivers.

And now all of a sudden any aspect of Tebow's play on the field that correlates, no matter how loosely with the Bible, is a testament to God's willingness to pull the strings on wild card weekend. Yes he completed 10 passes for 316 yards. Yes that's how math works. It comes out to 31.6 yards per completion. I bet he threw a few "cross"ing patterns in the game as well.

Why didn't we make a huge deal every 4 minutes and 13 seconds Reggie White spent on the field? Phillipians 4:13 is a famous biblical verse and the man was a pastor.

"I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me"

It's never a good sign when the Tebow fans are holding the sanity bag, but this time they're right. The kid can ball. God's got bigger fish to fry than #15's stat line.

Hmm. Now that I think about it. The Lord does work in mysterious ways. Maybe that's why He rested on the 7th day...