God & Tebow

This has got to stop.

It's being written about everywhere, and even got to the point where someone asked me, as a Christian and as an athlete, well former athlete, what role I thought God played in sports. It's an interesting question, and one that warrants careful introspection and thought in order to produce an answer that doesn't sound outright ridiculous. 

I'm not going to tell you what I told them. I'm going to make up a funnier answer because the person who asked me the aforementioned question seemed uptight so I used more big words than usual or even necessary. But my basic theory remains constant.

God doesn't play a role in sports. Period.

There I said it. Sorry to all the Tebow haters and Steelers fans who want to blame his success on some sort of divine intervention. You guys didn't choke he's just better at praying than the rest of us. Get over yourselves and give the kid some credit. You got Tebowned.

I feel like I can make logical sense of this issue because I'm neutral in the Tebow debate. I was never a Gator fan so I don't have a hard on for him like everyone who has ever driven through Gainesville, a "Tebowner" if you will, nor do I support any other SEC school, or any other Florida institution for that matter, so I'm not programmed to be a Tebow hater, though I will admit it is all about the U.


Haha. Tebowner.

Recently, since ol' Timmy has been having consistent, albeit unexpected success as an NFL quarterback, bringing the all but irrelevant Broncos to the forefront of the AFC West and into the divisional round of the playoffs, people have begun inexplicably asking one of the dumbest questions one could ask, next to something regarding whether or not Rush Limbaugh has black relatives.

I swear I had something for that...

"Is God helping Tebow win games"?

Give me a fucking break.

The fact that Tim Tebow is more of a religious figure rather than an athletic one allows people to manipulate the the limitations of his football talent to testify to the potency of his faith. The fact that he'll be pathetic, bordering on hard to watch for 90% of the game, then somehow, in the 4th quarter magically remember he's a great athlete and save the day can only be explained by the fact that he isn't winning these games... God is.

I mean if it was just possible to absolutely suck ass for the majority of a game and then pull out miraculous victories without divine intervention Jordan Jefferson would have led LSU to the national championship right?

So let me ask you this. What about the guys who play for the Raiders who pray before games? Or the Steelers? Or any of the other teams who got hosed by Tebow in crunch time? Based on this theory God really hates them.

Do you actually believe that?

Let's dissect this. You're telling me that God, creator of heaven and earth, naked people and devious snakes, has nothing better to do with his time than choose favorites in sporting events?! Forget about all of the children dying in 3rd world countries or the minorities being persecuted all over the world. No no forget all that other urgent shit... God is really concerned with the NFL.

Do you feel stupid yet? Like Sarah Palin stupid? You should.

There is no correlation between religion and sports success, and it is undermining to the seriousness of religious practices for people to think that a diety is concerned with something as trivial as a game.

C'mon man, Ray Lewis is one of the best linebackers in NFL history. Juice is one of the best running backs ever... THEY BOTH KILLED PEOPLE! I'm 83% sure that flies in the face of Christian doctrine.

"But Price, I've watched your soccer games. As a matter of fact I've seen you pray before games. What the hell? Hypocrite."

Guilty. I do pray before I play sports. A quick couple seconds to myself before the craziness starts.

This actually serves to prove my point.

Never do I pray for victory. Doesn't that seem self righteous? "Hey God, I'm going to pray that my team wins, and so is my opponent, but I'm assuming that I'm just a better Christian than all the guys on the other end of the field so you'll intervene and take my side because they're all just a bunch of lousy sinners. Kthanksbye!" I pray for safety, for the opportunity to do what I love, for safe travel for my family who came to see me, all things which have no effect on the outcome of the contest.

And to Tebow's credit I don't think I've ever heard him thank God for helping him win a game. It's mostly the media and public verbal fellatio that is making him sound like a obsequious lunatic. He always talks about how he's humbled by the opportunity he has to play in the NFL and even the other night said that he was thankful for the "platform of professional football to help make a difference". Can't hate on that.

Making the ludicrous assertion that God has a hand in the results of sporting events also takes away from the hard work that the players have put in or absolves the players of control and builds in an excuse for either shitty plays or inexplicable moments of brilliance.

Thou Shalt Suck It Ike

It's ok Steelers fans...You didn't lose on Sunday. It's not Ike Taylor's fault that he habitually got torched by Demariyus Thomas. That's just how God intended for it to play out. It wasn't his fault, I mean he can't compete with the main upstairs. And Tebow. He's clearly still a bum, and the work he puts in on and off the field had nothing to do with his success against the league's best, albeit depleted defense... Yesterday's game just proves that he's just God's little buddy, not that he is in any way shape or form a talented football player.

The fact that Tim Tebow is an outspoken Christian and Merrill Hodge hates him has created a media frenzy that is debilitating the purposefulness of religion and quite frankly is driving sane people crazy because there has to be some other explanation for his success. Merrill Hodge also said Cam Newton wasn't going to "translate to the NFL". The man's opinion is obviously as useful as an Asian chaffeur...

Because Asians are terrible drivers.

And now all of a sudden any aspect of Tebow's play on the field that correlates, no matter how loosely with the Bible, is a testament to God's willingness to pull the strings on wild card weekend. Yes he completed 10 passes for 316 yards. Yes that's how math works. It comes out to 31.6 yards per completion. I bet he threw a few "cross"ing patterns in the game as well.

Why didn't we make a huge deal every 4 minutes and 13 seconds Reggie White spent on the field? Phillipians 4:13 is a famous biblical verse and the man was a pastor.

"I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me"

It's never a good sign when the Tebow fans are holding the sanity bag, but this time they're right. The kid can ball. God's got bigger fish to fry than #15's stat line.

Hmm. Now that I think about it. The Lord does work in mysterious ways. Maybe that's why He rested on the 7th day...