Best of 2011

It's finally over. Another year in the books. And while it's American tradition to try your hardest not to remember the last night of any given year it's always fun to look back on the 365 days that have come and gone. 2011 was chalked full of celebrity scandals, musical and cinematic breakthroughs, and Governor Weiner's... wiener. Now that I think about it 2011 was a banner year for self crotch shots. 

Anywho, as with any other year it's important to reminisce on the moments that captivated us, to remember the best of the year that was. Here's what made 2011 special. 

Best Movie - I'm just going to say what everyone is thinking. 2011 was a shitty year for movies. We were spoiled in 2010 with Inception, The Dark Knight, Avatar, and Shutter Island, to name a few. Hollywood followed that with movies about wizards, necrophiliacs, and sequels that just should have never been made. Yes I'm looking at you Hangover 2. Even as I write this I am scanning Rotten Tomatoes for anything halfway decent and cringed when "Leap Year" was in their top 10. Fuck it. Let's hope Hollywood can rebound in 2012. 


Bad start...

Best Male Artist - As bad as movies sucked in 2011 male artists weren't far behind. I was actually just told that 2011 was the "year of the female". Ew. But amidst the terrible albums and singles the tallest midget emerged in the form of square framed glasses and white guy afros. LMFAO wins this war of attrition solely on the popularity of "Party Rock Anthem", topping the charts and landing them a few endorsement deals, most notably a fantastic Kia commercial with dancing hamsters and a horrible NBA commercial only saved by 2 appearances by Emmanuelle Chriqui. Congrats on sucking the least.


Someone did something good in 2011 I promise.

Best Female Artist - Soon to be single Katy Perry continued to impress in 2011 with five #1 singles to her name as well as an undeniably awesome album cover. Whether or not you admit to liking Perry's stuff or how cool you want to seem amongst your bros, you undoubtedly know almost all the words to her immensely catchy songs. I'm sure a few of you are going to try and make a case for Adele. Ehh. Katy Perry's hotter. Case closed. 

Get With It America!

Best Invention - Is that not the coolest shit ever? Seriously Asia is just better than we are. 2011, for as crappy as it was on many fronts, did prove to be a solid year for technological breakthroughs. With roads becoming increasingly packed the straddling bus is the wave of the future in China, and hopefully worldwide. The US will probably never take to it because we are so attached to our Chevy's and Ford F-150s, but at least we adopted the iPhone. Baby steps America... Baby steps.

Best Sports Team - Do I have a strong soccer bias? Maybe. But whether or not you like the sport is inconsequential. The hope that the Japenese Women's National Team brought to a country ravaged by mother nature is nothing short of remarkable. Being an American, and on the losing end of the tournament you can't begrudge the Japanese a second of celebration. They wanted it more. They needed it more. Returning home with that trophy sparked a fit of national pride like I have never seen before and is truly a testament to the worldwide power of soccer. 

Best Male Athlete - LeBron choked in the finals, every decent baseball player is on drugs and I don't know anything about hockey, so it comes down to Dirk vs. Rodgers. I'm going to have to side with the German. Dirk led the Mavs to their first NBA title in franchise history with a supporting cast of B and C listers... and Brendan Haywood. The punch line of many a NBA joke. Take nothing away from the non steroided A-Rod, his performances were stellar, but with the help of Donald Driver, the franchises all time leader in receptions, and an air tight defense led by Clay Matthews' hair and the mountain that is B.J. Raji, his achievements don't quite stack up. 

Best Female Athlete - This sort of seems like a no brainer especially considering I can't even really name another iconic women's athlete. Seeing as the US Women's National Team is rightly the team of the year, it is only fitting that their best player and the face of their team is the athlete of the year. Not only did she rescue the US from certain elimination at the 11th hour versus Brazil but somehow captivated an entire nation which doesn't care about women's sports or soccer. Congratulations Abby Wambach for this totally meaningless distinction that you will never know you got. 

Best Celebrity Scandal - No I don't care that celebrities love to take pictures of themselves naked and "accidentally" have them leaked on the internet. No I don't care that almost every celebrity marriage ends in court with one spouse threatening the others life. No I don't care that Alec Baldwin bashed American Airlines on Twitter. That isn't scandalous. Scandalous is pedophiles sexually abusing kids at one of the most iconic college footballs institutions in the country and ruining the legacy of not only the school and the program, but the octogenarian coach who's name has become synonymous with college football but will now forever be inexorably linked with jerking off little boys. Hopefully Sandusky & Fine get their fair share of human booster shots.     

Best News Story - Osama Bin Laden Is Dead. The words rang out from news stations across America and across the Globe. New York's Times Square, an American icon, scrolled the poignant sentence across it's legendary marquee over and over again for millions to see. Social networks went wild as years of hunting, searching, and needlessly torching innocent Afghani's finally paid off. 

Best Commercial - Advertising at it's best. Towards the tail end of 2011 Google came out with a series of commercials illustrating all the things that you can do with the free Google offerings. "Dear Sophie" and Parisian Love not only show everything that the internet giant has to offer, not to mention how user friendly it is, but adds an indelible touch of emotion, just enough to make us say "awww". And then set up email accounts for our infant children.

Best Sports Game - It's becoming glaringly obvious combing through a years worth of events that 2011 was just downright boring. Where 2010 was rife with great music, great movies, and intriguing sporting events, 2011 was all dick pictures, celebrity deaths, and various forms of child abuse. To make this category work we had to mash a few games together. Kemba Walker's run through the Big East and NCAA tournaments was nothing short of spectacular. From the ankle breaking step back in the Big East quarterfinals, (it was on Pitt's center but still Gary McGee, son, see an orthopedist), to his staggering 271 post season points (about 24 a game) amassed in 381 out of a possible 445 minutes, Kemba did it all for the Huskies and was justly rewarded with a National Championship. 

Best Up & Coming Artist - The hefty Brit songstress Adele certainly made a name for herself in 2011, bursting on the scene with music that seems to transcend genre. No matter what style of music you prefer, the 23 year old's talent is undeniable. Plus America has always had a soft spot for overweight people who can sing. Welcome to the club Adele.

I Didn't Even Have To Hit Rihanna

Best Viral Video - There was one bright spot in 2011, and her name is Amy Heidemann. Who is this mystery person? Most of you probably know her as Karmin, viral video all-star, who burst on the scene with an astonishing, and possibly better than original version of Chris Brown's "Look At Me Now". Rapping the entire song sans profanity at break neck pace, the Berkeley alum solidified herself as hands down one of the most intriguing artists of the year. Cute white girl who can rap? Kryptonite. 52 million views, a live performance on Ellen and a record deal also followed. I want one. 

Best TV Show - If you don't know about Archer then you need to educate yourself. This was a tough call because of the immense popularity of Modern Family and Family Guy, along with some other super shitty shows that young adult women watch religiously. But in the end the FX original series takes the top spot. It's a clever combination of witty and vulgar, adeptly combining historical references and sex jokes. But if you find yourself too "mature" for a cartoon then hop on Netflix and check out Game of Thrones, Dexter, and Entourage. 

Best New TV Show - I do like Game of Thrones. Beheading and naked chicks. Recipe for male entertainment. The only issue with the HBO series' are that you have to keep up with them week to week or you have no idea what the hell is going on. For that simple fact I give the nod to MTVs Ridiculousness. First of all there isn't any music on MTV anymore. Let's just get that out of the way. So misnomer aside, Rob Dyrdek puts on a good show. And it's undeniable that watching other people injure themselves is almost a guaranteed laugh. Think back to the last time your idiot friend stumbled down the sidewalk and ran head first into a stop sign... you laughed. Imagine a half hour of that. Every week. Gold. 

Best Blog - Who doesn't love Huffington Post. A one stop shop for everything you need to be up on world news, sports, and celebrity gossip. Plus Arianna Huffington might be the first ever GILF on record. You're lying to if you say you don't find the 62 year old Greek at least somewhat attractive. Shame on you. 

This article is long enough as it is without take up more space to congratulate Rihanna on winning the punching bag of the year award. I'm kidding. Spousal abuse is no laughing matter. Put your hand down Ike, no she didn't deserve it. 


Tighten up America, we can do better in 2012. We already know that the new year will bring us another Dark Knight, and the end of human civilization. Let's also hope that is comes with less child abuse and dick pictures. 


Stay tuned for the year's worst and most embarrassing. HAPPY NEW YEAR!!!